To each of my daughters

 Just so you know, 

I would have texted you. I would have called to check in.

But you (each) seemed fine with not needing me in your life. 

I watched you make those mistakes. 

I heard the little lies you told to everyone and to yourself.

I was aware of your pain,

but again, you appeared good with your choosen path.

And while you were fine, I was devestated. 

I cried everytime the phone rang and it wasn't you.

I cried everytime I pulled out of your driveway from visiting the grands.

I cried each night and prayed to God to help me make it through the next day.

My heart is broken in ways that I pray you never know. 

And while it is of our making, it doesn't change the pain level. 

I do not know how to get back what was taken from me.

I do not begin to understand how and why it happened at all.

I only know that at the end of every day, I miss you. 

I miss you and you are still here. 

All of this because I choose to love you. Everyday. Without fail. 

And everyday a repeat cycle. 

I do not know if it will end. 

I know my phone doesn't ring.

I know your arms will never wrap around me again. 

I know your love feels conditional.

I know my love for you is unconditional. And that I hope to be here when you decide to lower your walls and except each other for who we both are. 

I may very well be the only one holding on. And I tell myself its ok. 

Its me not to give up on those I did not chose, but that God chose for me. Giving up on you would be in essence giving up on His trust He gave me when He gave me you.  

I will give you the space and time. I will grant you the access to inflick that pain. Because I simply love you. Without conditions. 

And as always, I will be here when you are ready,

Crying, praying, waiting.