Even family members have a season

Behind every man, is a woman who gave too much to the wrong people.

Now I find my most peace within, instead of with those that never prioritized; never chose me; above everyone else. 

Everyday, me as a person, a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, grandmother; gathers within my own mind and memories. Me, who never gives up on those that chose another path, another direction. We are all fundamentally different. Acceptence is virtue.

I think back to what my son said to me at the beach, "mom, you did not raise us that way!"

I raised them to be strong and independent. To be formidable in the face of right and wrong. I feel as I have accomplished this and I have no greivence over that.  

I encourage him now to recognize THAT very truth and know where and to whom those lies sit within that whole display. Because the truth is, I did not raise my children to be singular minded. To hate another person because of differences. As I do not hate a person baised solely on their individual belief system. Todays world is too diverse to entertain that as even a plausable day to day role which to engage. 

I am learning that even family members can have a season. 

No need to falsify your own hatred, if you, yourself have any. Own it. It will be ok in the end. Even if it is something you cannot admit to yourself just now. 

Counseling has been an eye opener for me. A place to gather and consider. I once thought I always considered everything from every prespective. I now know that is not what I did. I would do what so many people do. I would NEVER sit with it. I would react. I would get mad and stomp my feet. I would tell myself it will pass. 

I cannot let this pass. I cannot let lies stay hidden. I will always expose those lies and who tells them. 

The differences in how I raised my children and how I LIVE MY LIFE, are no different. And they know the truth. The whole truth. They have talked about it and they KNOW. Their silence will always tell me more than anything else. And that is no longer my burden. I have recognized this for what it is. 

I give silence in return. Because the lies no longer interest me. Their own coddling of people that are here for but a season, will be their own eye opener. 

One denominator. That is all it takes. And allowing them to destroy everything within my own personal family; I recognize hate for the very first time. Like unadulterated hate. Hate that I lean away from because it is not who I am. But it is there. Recognizing it has been very helpful. I cannot say I will ever understand it. I never thought it a possibility for me to hate anyone. 

But I have to sit with this lesson learned today. I have to hold it for a while. I have recognize it and apply it and try to gain an insight. It is hard. Because it involves my life. My family. 

But I am learning that even family members have a season!  

What is DARVO?

Happy Easter!

Today is a really hard day for me. I watch as everyone is having a great time with kiddos egg hunting and I think back on my previous Easters. It has always been my favorite holiday to host! Always gathering stuff for easter baskets and stuffing eggs. Cooking, gathering. It is a hard day today. I am so grateful for Jesus and giving me all he has. It is Him who allowed for those grand moments for me to morn now. And I do not take the signifigance lightly. He puts the stamp on this day with a sky so beautiful, full of vibrate blues, pinks, yellows. Only He can paint such a grand sky. And if he can do that, He can do anything! I trust in him now. I trust solely in Him and in my path forward.

Via thearpy I have learned a great deal. A great deal I have to face rather I want to or not. In order to heal I have to do the work. And it has been very bitter, even brutal. But it has also allowed me to learn. To grow. To understand things I refused to comprehend previously. 

I am doing my work. I am doing my work for ME. Not to save anyone else from their own demons. Not because someone tried to guilt me into it. Or because it was used as a "tool" to gaslight another into believing methods they know are untrue. They will have to do their own work. In therapy this week I learned a term and its depth of meaning. It was a new one for me. Never heard it and did not understand it before I was told I fell victim to it. 

But first let me be plain here, I am NO ONEs vitim. The only thing I am victim to is my own thinking processes that are different from anothers. It does not make mine wrong and theirs right, or vise versa! It is just different! 

DARVO is a manipulative 3 step tactic used by another to evade accountability by denying their own wrongdoing. Attacking the person confronting them. Reversing the roles of victim and offender. When confronted, perpetrators turn the tables to make themselves appear the victim, leaving the true victim feeling confused, defensive, and questioning their own reality. This tactic will leave the victim feeling very isolated and more often than not, resulting in mental health issues including anixety and trauma.  

DARVO componants include

1. Deny - where the abuser refuses to acknowledge their own behavior; or lies; or claims the incident never happened. Either of these paths can be used and/or intertwined to influence/minimize anothers perception of their own true involvement.
2. Attack - where the abuser attacks the [victim] for calling out the abuse; where the [victim] starts questioning their own credibility, sanity, or character. Minimizing the situation by calling names that are unjust such as "oh yea pitiful you".
3. Reverse Victim and Offender Roles - where the abuser "frames" themselves as the victim of the actual victims false accusations or unfair treatment, creating the mindset that makes the actual victim feel guilty and apologitic. 

I have been dealing in sole silence the occurances that have alienated my [whole] family against me. Each situation. Every relationship. Even those that say they understand my views. Aftermath of confrentations are very real situations. They can break a person in more ways than one can ever discribe unless they themselves experience it firsthand. I never understood anything that went down. And now talking about it with a therapist I can see the very fabric of this methodology. 

But accusing is not what is in me anymore. I could careless about the causes and actions now. 

I know those I held dear to me are now really gone because of their own choices. And I have to be ok with this. And while it all has cummulated, it is what is best because I do not ever wish to be placed in a position where I have been made to feel one way because of anothers actions. I may be alone. I may need to navigate life by myself forever. But at least I now have the awareness of what to avoid in relationships. I do not ever wish to be around anyone who looks for support and then turns on you the very moment you need them. Those are not relationships worth fostering. 

All I can do is take responsibilty for my actions, apologize for those actions and move forward. It is up to those who has yet to take responsibilty for their actions that has the issues now. I cannot keep expecting them to care about me and my mindset or mental health anymore. I have to let that go and be a better person moving forward. If someone wants to call that "a bad mother", well that is their issue. I have always been a supportive mom. The very vacation that started all this was me being a "great mom". It just involved a person who should have never been invited in the first place. But, thats just another lesson learned. Nothing can change that trejectory. 

So my therapist went on to explain how counteracting DARVO can be beneficial to the [victim]. First, you have to identify the actual strategy. In doing this you are reducing its power and calling things for what they truly are. 

Second, keep detailed logs, emails, and notes that can refute the counter denial and leave the actual attacker holding their own bag of accountibility. 

Third, stick to the facts! This is a big one. Avoid being baited into emotional arguments and remain focused on the original issue(s). 

Fourth, set your own bounderies with the people involved. Decline to participate in a conversation when roles are reversed. ONLY deal with FACTS and acknowldgement of the situation being addressed at hand! Do not mix each individual situation! Do not bring in ANOTHER view point or arguement before resolving the one at hand.

My therapist and I have reviewed each of the emails, the letters back and forth, the details in the beginning. We have put them in chronological order by time stamps and dates. Recollections are different as they are best guesses. But nothing has been left out! Absolutely NOTHING! I have had to face a lot of my own issues within all of this. But understanding where it all started and how it turned around and where the deviation started, these are clear areas to start the healing process for myself. 

One has to understand I can not always be the bigger person. I cannot always be the only one apologizing in a disfunctional relationship(s). I know and recognize I will never be the "keep quite and forgive" type when wrong is being done. I have reinterated this with my therapist and it is one thing I am firm on.

She has confirmed that truth is truth. Now rather a person choses to see the VERY truth of any situation is on that person(s). And while many argue truth is subjective, if the FACTS are there, there is NO subjectiveness to be issued. Facts are facts and they are what lead to the TRUTH. So doing the work that matters to you in resolving a situation is the very means of caring about the situation(s). About those involved. About my life up to this very point. 

I have put in my work. I am learning things I never knew I could learn about people I like, people I do not like, and all in between. I am learning how to accept that people just plainly out grow people. It does not have to hurt to leave. It just should be resolved for everyone involved if they want to continue some type of communication going forward. If they do not, they need to just say it, OWN IT, and that be that. But this too can not be forced. It is something that every person breathing will have to go through at some point in their life. Accepting anothers life choices. All I can do as a person who loves them, is give them grace to go with or without their accountability acceptence.  But they have to go. 

I want to have relationships with my children. I want some form of communication! And where my door will ALWAYS be open, they have to take that next step and walk through for resolution. I have been advised while I have to set my bounderies, I have to respect theirs as well. Once I apologized, the ball was placed in their court. It is now up to them. 

I will not be here waiting. I have to leave this place I have known as home. There is nothing here for me anymore. I am settled with this, alabit, broken hearted because of reasons deeper than I care to discuss. But my door is open and my phone is always working. I can only hope one day they will see and understand their roles as well. 

Well, I suppose I will see what tomorrow brings. Today was not a good day because it was filled with memories. It made me very sad! It made me miss my nannie. It made me love and appreciate Jesus more than ever. Because of the latter, I am full of hope for the tommorrows. And I know with Him, I can do anything. I am never truly alone, and this realization comes at every moment I hit my lowest. And for that I am grateful!