Your worth

Relieved is how I feel today.

I'm no longer waiting to be validated by those who have wronged me. I am learning to forgive them for their roles. Rather they fully understand, acknowledge, accept them or not.

Jill, these seminars I have been attending, the stories, ALL these tools have helped me realize a lot more from their perspective while learning I too can be validated without recognition from the people who disrupted my life by their actions.

I have validated those I hurt, to have those feelings. By recognizing their feelings are in fact real, rather I agree or disagree. I understand, or try too.

I have apologized and I have asked for a way forward.

And, as always, crickets.

Setting my own bounderies is such a rewarding thing. It IS SO HARD! But it is what I need moving forward. It is the only thing we as individuals can do to protect ourselves.

All I ever wanted was for my kids to have a good life. For us to be able to one day be TRUE Adult friends. TO be protectors of each other. TO respect and be respected. Without outside noise or others interferences. But from a place of mutual love and respect solely.

I do not need my kids to validate if I was a good mom or not. We all remember what we remember. But one thing I know I never skimped on was the love I had for them. Mad, happy, sad, disappointment, NONE ever replaced or filled the love I had for any of them. 

While I had hopes and dreams, I learned they were just my hopes and dreams. Not theirs. Their actions have allowed me to see the narrative they want to project to the world. But those are not my issues to live and contend with either. 

These seminars I share for each of you because my life up to a certain point was never JUST about me. It can help each of you understand when the next issue(s) arise with this group. Rather it be with me or someone else filling in for me. Understanding it is not about ME. It is about YOU. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T57GA7XXRE

Finding a safe place within me has been the only place I could seek refuge. And in doing this, I have been able to see more than just what was; I am grieving because I have to for me. I am grieving an idea of what I wished and hoped for me and my children with having adult relationships that include the same integraity they give every one else that has come and gone in their life. I am grieving because I not only lose what I poured my whole life into, but the extended love I have for the ones around them that they brought into my life. 

I get it is never healthy for a person to wall off anyone in hopes of protecting onesself from hurt, disappointment, pain. I know that is and has always been my go to. It is an unhealthy thing to do, for myself, as well as others. Learning how to shield myself when everything is coming at me in certain situations is just what I learned to do early on. It works or has worked for me. I am just understanding that is not a real soluable solution! It can work in certain situations, with certain people. But not with the very people born of my blood. 

So having to accept it and lean more into this knowledge, will help me more in the long run moving forward. Its not that I am even fighting with my kids anymore. It's more I am fighting to keep an idea of who I thought I had raised. Holding onto people who were never really there anyways. And letting it/them go is not easy for me. And in saying that, I would suppose I have to acknowledge, it is not easy for them either. I know I was loved. I know I may still be loved by them. Because I love my kids now, sitting here mad, angry, hurt. But my love has NEVER come with conditions. And I do not nor will I ever accept love with conditions.

But I no longer wish any one of them anything less than prosperity, love, happiness. Rather they ever come to terms with their own actions or not. I hope they will never suffer the way they have inflicted sufferage on me. EVER. I want them to have peace, be surrounded with love, understanding of others, and mindful as humans in general. 

I acknowledge I too want peace and an end to all of this. Rather in my head or in actuality. And being it can't be reciprocal, it has to be grieved, using those staging processes.  But know, you each were all worth it to this end! 

Seminar on worth and value

Attended a counseling seminar last week that I had to sit down and go over again after I recieved the audio commentary. Placing here for everyone because it was eye opening. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeauhZtuPoc 

Reality is so much harder.

But hearing the validation that we all feel in facing not just my truth, but everyone envolved, THEIR TRUTH counts too. Not just for one person, but for all people. Not just that one situation, but the collective whole. 

She hit on the very essence of caring and what it means.

She hit on being heard not just talking or not talking.

People will always SHOW you who they are. It is up to each of us to listen to that. 

She tells you what I have known for many years. A persons actions will give you more insight into what ever they say or don't say.

I hate that all I get is blame from people I have loved all my life. While they seek to validate their silence without cause, or resolution. Even if they feel they have a valid reason. Its the silence that shows more than anything THEY DO NOT CARE. 

They validate each other by getting others to join their cause. At some point, its just not worth fighting for on my end anymore. And I think the worst part for me, as a mother, is by the time they realize this, I will have learned how to move without them or need of them in my life anymore. 

She helped me understand its ok to allow them their bounderies and their truths in situations. But without the same in respect, they have deduced me to insignificant. People who love you, people who want to continue a relationship with you, people who try to resolve the distance instead of adding to it, will always find a way WHEN BOTH CARE.

But bounderies without a resolution is NOT CARING. It is the exact opposite actually. 

I keep demanding they take responcibility. But I need to demand better than THEM for my life, if this is all they have to give me. Because I gave them way more than they have ever gave me. Including a broken heart. Where love alone resided. Now, because of their individual actions, not so much. I now have fear, tripidion, broken trust.

I know I said I was done talking about my kids, and I am in a real since. There is absolutely nothing else I can do and will not try. But this is my place for my feelings and thoughts and I have been adviced to countinue writing down my actions and thought processes. And being that my life was for so long about my children, I can never just not talk about how they have impacted my life. All good, because even in their bad times, I loved them through it and we learned lessons together.

I am starting to feel they are my past and I morn that. But it is what it is and I can no longer not speak about my very real life that I never asked for. I never asked for any of this. But I am the one who will carry the blame for them! 

I'm saddened because I will have two more grands here shortly and I will not get to meet them. And that makes my heart hurt so bad. But I am not into hurting anyone anymore. And most of all myself. Selfish, maybe. Protection, definately! For me and the babes who will suffer when the parents get mad again! 

I know my worth. I know my value. And if this is how they want to treat me, when I have never treated them with anything but love and consideration, I do not need them in this life. 

Happy Memorial day guys! Hug a vet! THEY are worth it! 

People and Bandwagons

People can handle rejection.

What they can’t handle is silence, confusion, and spending months in silence with zero clarity. And no one wanting to accept. Just blame! Accuse! Attack! Repeat! One by one, and then two by two. All directions. All the time. 

Feedback doesn’t have to be brutal. But it should be real.

This is the last thing I have to say on anything concerning my kids. 

I learned a lot over the past few days. I learned that in my darkest moments, I need someone in my corner too. I need that someone to be someone that is mentally stable, physically capable and 100% supportive, regardless. I can not look to people who have a vested interest in any portion of my life. I have to go outside for that.

I have seen karma work in recent days, and in ways that make grown men fall to their knees. Karma will always have the last laugh. And it doesn't matter what I do. It will find you and make you the next example.

I am sorry there have been grown adults that feel the need to interject themselves into me and my childrens issues. But I need each of you to understand a few things before you do. 

I have never beat my kids. I have never gotten drunk and drove them around in cars. I have never abandoned them at anytime in their life. I have never given them to another to raise at any point in their lives. I have nurtured. I have bathed. I have fed and clothed. I offered to them more than I was ever given. I loved them through hard times. I laughed with them. I cried with them. I played with them. I read to them. I tucked them in at night. I yelled at them. I grouded them when necessary. I expected manners but it was not always given. I expected them to do good, feel good, be good, be gracious, be respectful. As every mother knows, no child comes with a manual. But I had morals and values I was taught in life by my parents and grandparents, and I passed those down as best I could, onto them. Like each of us try to do. For the most part, I raised very strong, individual kids. They are my pride, rather I am theirs or not. I have learned that love should always be the biggest and greatest sum from any and everything else. And while I thought I had done that, my children saw it different. I do not wish to minimize their feelings on their thoughts, ideas, memories, etc. 

I let my children know early on, I was not their friend. I was their guider and their protector solely! We could be friends after they were adults and making their own way in this life. And that is how I see I done it. I never sought to be a friend! Children do not need more friends. They need structure. They need security. They need your love solely! I never bought into the whole friend area. I did not have time for that. I know one day they too will go through this whole saga again, rather as friends or guiders, brought on by one of their own because no one ever learns from being told. They learn through their own mistakes. 

However, I remember when I had to beg my daughter to give her dads girlfriend a chance. Mason had two small boys and she said the girlfriend was trying to hard and she did not want another person coming into her boys life, for her dad to just up and leave, and take that person away from them. I got that. Totally understood Masons position on it. You can not label a person, judging them by anothers characteristics. Meaning, Mason thinking her dad was shit, would mean anyone who dates him had to be shit as well. No moral characteristics at all! I know she thought this because she and I did talk about it. And while those were not her exact words, that was the meaning summed up. 

I fought for the girlfriend when Mason did not want to even consider it. I advised her to at least give the girl a chance. To NOT judge her based on her fathers past shared relationships. It wasn't fair to either the boys or the girlfriend. Mason conceded at some point. Maybe not because of what I said, but because the girl was a good girl. Of good stand up moral character, with or without Masons dad! And luckily, with time, and even seperating from Masons father, she proved that to Mason! 

But now I suppose she feels she is better fit to assume MY role and I wish her luck! And that Mason gives her more grace than she has ever, or will ever, give me. I find it sad that an adult is actually positioning herself in what I see as a childish display with "unfriending" facebook idiology. But then again, what can I expect from people who are trying hard to ingraciate themselves into my world. 

I would have expected a little courtesy message asking for more information or something. Nope. Just deleted as a friend. And so be it. I would have expected some type of reciprocal respect from this woman. I have always credited her and given her props for everything she has helped with when it came to my kids. For her to do this to me without a split care, just tells me all I need to know. It can validate her. But trust me, karmas a bitch to reconcile with! 

I have a sweet boy I am friends with on facebook and he literally hates his mom. HE is always asking me for advice on how to deal with his issues with his mom. He tells of horror stories of being left at home at the age of 3. Being woke up from a dead sleep with drunk men in his room. How he never felt protected. Never in one place long enough to have a bedroom set up. 9 different schools within a 5 year period. She was an alcoholic at 13. And the drugs he was exposed to being born from an addict. Granted she is recoverning now, with Gods grace, and trying to heal her broken family. Still, I tell him all the time, "do not talk bad about your mom, because no matter her faults, she had him at a young age (15) and she did her best by herself, with no education to help her. No knowledge to get out of that cycle. Now mind you, I do not care for his mother either. But it is THEIR relationship and my issues with her SHOULD NEVER BE HIS! No matter the little stuff he wants to dwell on. Some point, it will all cease to matter. Trust me on that!

So as I write this I reflect on what I thought was a friend actually. She was here for Masons wedding. We went shopping together. I am always commenting on her pictures with her grand kids and mine. I support the relationship she has with my children and always have. 

And then my sister noticed she did the same to her, deleteing her off facebook. And it is sad, because WE did think highly of this girl. And the only thing I can deduce this to is that she has placed herself where she feels she can because she has been allowed to do that. And for that, I am greatful! At least what I know of her, she is decent. She has always been to me, except for this. And I will not judge her as Mason tried to do. Not my place. Just wish them luck. 

However, deleting me and my sister isn't far enough. You should go that extra mile and delete OUR HUSBANDS and OUR PARENTS! I mean, please, by all means, take what is given freely! But do not seek to condeme me without even consulting me. That is another bully move! 

But anyways, thank you again to Jill, for everything! Thank you all who have reached out and asked the pertinate questions you felt you needed answers too, concerning my children. Thank you for being concerned for me. I appreciate it all! 

I truly think it is all just jealousy, envy, greed that is ruling my children. I think it is a FAD to just blame your parents for everything and be done. Easier to shrink accountibility that way. NO COMMUNICATION means NO RESPONSIBILITY. And the younger you are, the smarter right? 

Things come back around to every person! If you wrong, you will be wronged at some point and when you think you are owed the most, will be when it strikes the worst. Until we each seek to first acknowledge who we are at OUR CORE, nothing will help you grow in a better way, light, direction. You will always stand where you are. 

Heed the advice from ones that only damage others; point fingers to blame, never accepts accountability or responsibility, always wants attention, always the loudest, always the center, always seeking fun and adventure. They stand out for a reason! Be warned. Life does not work that way! 

I too, tried it in my 20's. Grew through it in my 30's. Accepted it in my 40's and gathering collateral damage in my 50's. Im only 52! I got til 54! And I have my own list of recompence and so little time to keep arguing with people who do not grasp the simple fact, they are not the first to go through any of this! 

I find myself seeking peace. Seeking peace from things I have done and people I have wronged. Seeking forgiveness because I wronged. Apologizing where necessary and talking out the differences. That is all I can do. That is all any one of us can do. I will never stop until I'm done here on this earth because it is just who I am at my core! 

For the life of me, I can not figure the girlfriend out and how I have wronged her at all. Goes to show, people and bandwagons! 

Response to Drakes FB post (lol)

Hello party people! 

Apparently, Drake has things to say ABOUT me, but won't say TO me. Then he runs and blocks me so I can not refute the lies in the face of all his adoring followers. So I would like to open up this post for him to feel free to connect/comment. 

Or do not. Doesn't matter. I am going to post the facts TO EVERY little thing he stated. No matter how minute and I will probably add in some just for shits and giggles. 

Mason, thank you for being better than that! I was super surprised by your comment! But I guess we all have to learn things in our own ways. 

I use this Blog as a way to mentally lay stuff out for me, and it allows my counselor to see the things I am saying. Say Hi to Jill everyone! (Sorry Jill). I do not have a large following like on FB and so I use this as a way to form a small community to which I communicate. If you are here, then you were either invited, or you are stalking. Do not care which really. But understand, these are just my pages and sharing them with my counselor allows me to be cautious to others. I will never seek to bully, to ridicule, or to disallow a person to have what ever feelings they want to have. But when a person comes at me, or attacks me, she, Jill, follows and lets me know how I handled these situations now. If you need Jills info, I will be glad to give it out! But know this, I will not seek to interfere in anyone of these childrens lives anylonger! 

Ball has always been in each of your courts. And that is up to you now.

I am ok with all that Drake accuses me of. Those are his feelings and he is allowed to have them. His thoughts on situations and certain recollections of others, are a bit different than mine. But I can bring all my reciepts. So I will be snap shotting them and you can follow that so-called money trail to deduce the truth from fiction. Because FACTS matter. Reciepts matter! 

WE in fact PAID $6500.00 for the beach house! Mike's account, BUT IT WAS OUR MONEY! Do not get that twisted! It was me who sat here and filled out Mike's disability paperwork. We all know it wasn't him who did that! And if it wasn't yourself, then that leaves it to ME! The running him to and from doctors and hospitals! IT WAS MY MONEY AS WELL! THAT WAS MY VACATION. HIS VACATION! Where each of you WERE INVITED! Our week was week one. We paid for that week in its entirity and Ash and the partner sent $150 to Mason, so she could collect on Mike's behalf. IF THEY HAD IT! IF NO ONE HAD IT, it was not an issue. Ashley and the partner decided to do both weeks and paid Mason $300 for a TWO WEEK VACATION. NO ONE WAS TO ARRANGE ROOMS UNTIL EVERYONE WAS THERE! Ash and the partner get there and claim dibs on a room I had already planned out! NO ONE ASKED ME ABOUT THIS. They deferred to Mason. It WAS NO ONES place to do that UNTIL I GOT THERE other than Mason! Nonetheless, I let it ride. 

UNTIL, the person who travels the furtherst...from Arizona, with an autistic child, comes in and has to STAY IN A ROOM WITH NO LOCK ON THE DOOR! That morning that everything went down, all I wanted was to ask them two to switch rooms for the last 2 nights of Chaley being there so she could get some sleep. THATS ALL I WANTED! They, Ash and the partner, were staying the whole next week. Blake and Alyssa were not! They were the only option that made sense to switch. For the love of God, ALL I WANTED WAS THEM TO SWITCH ROOMS. She was the one who started the scene telling me "No they did not have time for a chat"! 

YOU DO NOT TELL YOUR HOST NO! THEY WERE THE ONES WHO THOUGHT THEY COULD CONTROL THE NARRATIVE. (I can't even really say "they" here, as I have been on many a vacation with Ash and this HAS NEVER happened before). I just let them know that would not be the case. I have no qualms with dikes, gays, or whatever anyone wants to call them! Hell if you want to live under the illusion they are straight, GO FOR IT! I probably did call her names in a deragatory way. I was angry at the piousness she thought she was entitled too. You can date any and every one you want to, I do not care. My name calling does not mean I dislike anyone. It means I am pissed. Keep reading, I call you names in this post. I call myself names. It doesn't mean anything. 

EVERYONE, meaning me and Mike, Mason and Cody, had ALL MADE CONSESSIONS for room arrangements. THE ONLY ONES WHO DID NOT, WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED TO CONTROL EVERYTHING...and when I say everything...I mean everything! And we all know THAT is not Ashley. So yea, use the power of deduction! (Again, I have no quelms with her at all other than this vacation trip, that SHE refuses to accept her accountbility for, all while demanding I apologize constantly!)  

If anyone of you would but look at the time line, clarity will come out! It's all there! Jill and I have reconstructed those facts. I will be posting that story. 

I am not pointing fingers when I do it! I am doing it for CLARAFICATION! FOR MYSELF AS WELL AS WHO EVER SEEKS TRUTH! If you do not seek the truth, then do not read it! Simple! 

About me talking shit about MY family...NEWSFLASH...IT'S MY FAMILY TOO! Mine first as a matter of fact! Believe it or not, I can do that! You can do that! Or not. Your choice. But I will call things the way they ARE. NOT for the fantasy any one of you want or need them to be. That's just FACTS! 

You all accuse me of gossiping and its funny as hell, because you accuse me of what you yourselves do! YOU CANNOT THROW STONES AND GET MAD WHEN IT GETS THROWN BACK AT YOU! Understand this, I do not care that you call me a gossiper. If I am, it is only to my sister, as YOU! Take that shit elsewhere Drake. 

What I do in fact know is I have never been fired for talking any kind of anything. That is so funny! So again, name me a job please, that this alledgedly happened at? Can't defend what I am unaware of or SIMPLY NOT TRUE!

I can not tell anyone what I do not know, DRAKE! I have no idea what you and Mason have issues over other THAN the beach. I never realized I had damaged either of you so bad! So that so called "intervention" yall tried to do at the beach was halarious with all that was going on at that time. So sorry, no. I never recieved that memo. Taking to FB doesn't help you or your case either when you BLOCK the very person you attack! Just a side note and some food for thought! 

Now, about the steps and evesdropping on you and Masons "insecurities" GIVE ME A BREAK! I never took EITHER of you as a pansy ass! The only time I eves dropped is when I knew you two to be up to no good. And 9 out of 10 times I was on the phone with my sister and we would laugh at you because kids think they are smarter than the parents. We were laughing because it WAS US not that long before it was YOU TWO. Trust me...YOUR day is coming! You will know what I know. I am sorry if you felt I "traumatized" you by doing that. I would need specifics in order to gage any more clarification than that. But generally, if I did that, it was never to hurt either one of you. But you are valid in how you feel. And I can understand that. 

What money have I ever STOLE from your sister? Are you serious here? Why not we chat about what I GAVE to you and your sister BEFORE you accuse me of stealing $20, if that is so! Because lets face it, UNLESS I GAVE IT TO YOU....YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY!  So YES PLEASE...I am begging you....LETS TALK ABOUT THAT. It was ME who talked pops into getting Mason her car. It was me who bought and paid for yours and her cell phones! It was ME who paid for the insurances on both yalls vehicles during this time. COME ON DRAKE...LETS TALK ABOUT IT! I did not OWE you nor she any of that! They were luxuries I AFFORDED TO BOTH OF YOU. 

Lets see....Marines. Yes, Drake went into the marines directly after graduating highschool. I had to run around and set up your bank account and take care of the things here I had already been taking care of, eg. car insurance, cell phone, buying all your stuff that every average 18 year old needs. Sending packages out every other week for the STUFF YOU needed. I was doing all I could to help YOU. YOU HAD NO JOB! Your father sure as hell won't going to step up and do anything for either one of you kids! Neither was anyone else on that side willing to do that. So ya'll can have them. Coddle them. Love on them. Go for it! All you! This was where we actually merged our phones onto one so I could manage them while you were away. I PAID FOR THEM UPFRONT. YOU DID NOT HAVE MONEY! We did that to HELP YOU BUILD YOUR CREDIT AS WELL. That is why I allowed it to be in your name. It wasn't for me! Yes I benefitted from it, but Drake we talked that one out! And you know it!  

When YOU went into the military that was YOUR FIRST PAYING JOB! And your checks went straight into your account and YOU HAD THAT ACCESS. All the running and paying for things up to YOUR first paycheck was solely on ME! I never asked for any of that back! I am YOUR MOM! It is my job to help you when you need it! BECAUSE, REST ASSURED, I NEVER GOT ANY HELP FROM YOUR BROKE PITIFUL ASS FATHER YOU NOW WANT TO ACT JUST LIKE! Taking credit for things HE HAS NOT DONE and blaming people when his shit fails!  MIRROR IMAGE of your dad here Drake.

While you were in the Marines, you get a USAA card in the mail and I put it in your desk drawer in Aug/Sept of 2014. Drake, you can varify that as I am sure you have those statements. I told YOU about this card when it came in and where I had put it. 

So, October of 2014 Mason starts planning for her wedding. I was paying all I could to help her out, as she had two littles and was stretched. So I ASKED DRAKE when he called one night if I could activate and use his USAA card to help pay for all the wedding stuff we still had yet to get. Begrudgingly, he said yes. I told him I would pay if off and there would be no issues. I think the line of credit was $2500.00. I used $1500.00 of that credit line! I had paid $800 on the card for the first months cycle and then handed him $700 cash to pay off the card as soon as he was home on leave, which was around thanksgiving. I actually asked him if he wanted the cash or wanted me to just pay it. He said to me standing in our dining room, as he was getting ready to walk out the door to go meet his friends in Farmville, "I don't have any cash on me, so I'll take care of it". Drake, I beg you...post the reciepts! 

What you did with the $700 is on YOU. NOT ME! If you did not pay your card and fell into default, that is on YOU. I paid for all we used leading up to Mason's wedding. I have my own BANK reciepts FROM THAT TIME. The $800 I paid from my account to USAA. And the $700 cash I withdrew for other purposes but used to pay you instead! All in this time period! Falsly telling people I maxed out your card is not the truth! YOUR RECIEPTS WILL SHOW YOU THIS! Bring em! 

I have never NOT worked! I had and HAVE a serious back issue that has landed me out of commission from time to time. I can't change that! I am now officially having to go through the process of my own disability because of those back issues. 

Think I WANT to be here? Hell no! I do not want to be here! I have no choice at this very moment! Everyone I thought I had always had their backs all of sudden could care less about me! I have had a very lucrative and successful career! You think I want to leave THAT? To be forced out because of back issues? That was MY DREAM POSITION! What I strived for! All the sacrifices of MY TIME with school away from you guys, to land like this? Then Mike has his heart attack and everything falls apart for us. Its life. But we keep on keeping on! 

I have not ever LEECHED off anyone, at any time, in my life! Except for you PAYING the cell phone bill since January of THIS YEAR, if that is what this leeching is about! All last year we worked together and payed in rotation or if you didn't have it, I did and vise versa. I told you I was being taken out of work in January and I could not afford to make any payments until I get my disability. You told me "no worries mom, me and court are good, I got it!". That is what YOU SAID TO ME. Then I get a text saying your cutting our lines and you aren't going to discuss it and thats that. I DID NOT have a melt down. I told Mike what was going on and that we had to switch our lines. I talked with Jill, which she can confirm if anyone wants to know facts, and decided I don't need a phone for a while. I am placing to much of my time into a phone and not facing some things I need to deal with. She very adamently agreed. I was just telling you I was done with these phones. I texted you JUST LAST NIGHT TO LET YOU KNOW I HAVE TAKEN CARE OF IT. I wanted you to be informed. It was the way you did it that lead me to determine other factors of this ongoing relationship. "Not going to discuss it with you", I mean what the hell is that about?

You sit there on face book and attack me without allowing me any acknowledgement for a rebutul and then you try to convience that very same population that "your too meek and weak when it comes to me and my manipulation tactics". ARE YOU SERIOUS????

Come on big boy...put them big boy panties on and stop acting like a pansy already! 

I take absolutely NOTHING AWAY FROM YOU DRAKE! I give you credit! Hell I'll give you ALL THE CREDIT! Figure that shit up and send me an amount. I'll pay you right now! My phone and Mikes phone is $45 a month x 2= $90 x 5 = $450...sound right? Ill send it over to you bubs...I do not want to infringe on YOUR DOLLAR. 

The phone bill was expencive because YOU had how many laptops on it? One for work, one for play, one for gaming, and your phone, which was recently purchased! My phone and Mikes phone I paid off early last year when I was the one making those payments because you had a lot on your plate! And I stopped the jet pack, which was $10/mo. when I stopped traveling in February of 2022 after Mikes heart attack. I never haggeled you over those laptops you didn't use. I just paid and that was that! 

Ok, whats next. 

Oh Oh, yes...guilty! I love me some candy crush! Monopoly GO too! And I do love a casino, although I haven't been recently because of my back and sitting long periods doesn't help these days. So I have stayed away....for now! Maybe one day I can sit long enough to enjoy my casino games again. Maybe. We will see. But I know you Drake...don't cast stones at me and try to shame me...tsk tsk!  Doesn't work like that son. No shame in my story. YOU like the casino just like any other average person, so do not act like that is some grand secret or gotcha moment! Like all I want to do is "gamble your money away".  First off, its always me who hands out hundreds! It's you and Mason who lend out the $20s. So yea, check that please! 

Another NEWSFLASH HERE: I have your bank info now! I'll post all of it here if you want me to prove it! I have had your bank info since you went into the military Drake. I have no idea what internet bill you elude too so I will need a reciept on that one as well. $350 dollars? Candy crush? Yea, I'll need to see that one! And never heard about it until your FB post. But if it is true, and I'm not saying it ain't, I would have paid it! So make sure you send over the payment reciepts where I paid for it, however it was paid for! DO not sit there and act like I have never paid you back for EVERYTHING and MUCH MORE than you have ever done for me! Because I have. You know it and so do I. 

Naw dude, you blocked me because your a pansy ass! YOU had something going on and you did not want to tell me about it. That's why you blocked me. Because I know for a fact you BORROWED money from a source and did not want me to know about it. Do not play that game Drake. Saying you blocked me from calling because I was harrasing you over something! That is dead wrong dude and you know it! 

You see all this above???? 

You realize its NOT normal right?

You realize you have some issues that are way bigger than anything I could ever say and do, correct? 

Look, I am not here to embarass you. I know you did what you did to try and embarass me. But the truth is, I was informed about your post from a person who simply texted me "Love you". 

I texted back immediately "o no, what has one of my kids done?" And I got a laughing face emoji back because he KNOWS ME SO WELL that he KNEW WHAT YOU STATED WAS NOT TRUE! Every bit of it! The only ones that commented are people who DO NOT KNOW ME AND WHAT I HAVE DONE FOR YOU AND YOUR SISTER!

The story you told Drake, it can be your truth. I will give you that! But it is not factual truth.

Even your girlfriend has said the problem with you and Mason is that you are both spoiled ass rotten! And I did that! I am guilty of this! And to my detrement, it shames me now! 

For you and your sister to see me in such a low light is so hurtful to me as your mom. I do not know if you both need to feel apart of the growing population that blames their parents for everything and makes up stuff to fit that....but it is not true! NONE of what you said is factually true! And like I asked, if it is, PLEASE, let me know. But I'll need ALL THE RECIEPTS. Because I do not trust you and your sister's thought processes anymore. 

I have no problem owning my shit when I am wrong. But you also have to know I have no problem fightening back when I have been WRONGED! Every person reading this knows that about me, if nothing else!   

As I stated in my earlier Blog that apparently made you angry, you have GOT TO STOP PAINTING ME TO BE THE EVIL ONE. You and Mason both! 

Mason needs bounderies from herself and her lies she tells people. In order to keep those lies safe, she has to keep her distance. I get it! I would too if I were like that. 

I have never not fought for anything or given everything in my power to the both of you! EVER! I sit here fighting for a relationship that I am now fully understanding has never involved any kind of love for me, as your mom first, if NOTHING ELSE! 

I do not need to be in your lives. I get that! But YOU do not get to make up things in your head about me either, and then block me from a post that will allow me to state my truth! 

That makes you a bully Drake! And I never thought I would see the day when bullying would come from you of all the people I know! 

Tell me son, what happened in the marines? Because I would like to hear your version of what I know. Lets chat about that!

Lets talk about you bailing out your dad from a drug binge and having to play props for him? Lets talk that out. That is why I am here. To help resolve these very sensitive issues you apparently have against no one but me. 

Own your shit before you dump trash at my door, son. You can't embarass me because I live my life in truth. So how bout it? Wanna talk?

 

Real Eyes Realize Real Lies

 Lets talk about conundrums. 

First, to Steph, thank you so much for your shared story and similarities to the fake facts. I swear that stuff cannot be made up. IT IS ALL like an idology summit. And thank you. It helped me realize the lies. 

Second, to Jill! Without you, I have no idea where I would even be at this point in my life when floundering is all I can do. Trying despartly to find some sort of truth in the face of so much evil. It has been a hard road and I have felt the shattering in my chest each time, coming to so many realizations. It has not been easy. It will not be easy from here on out no matter what. But I know the results and I have to do what is best for everyone, and that includes me. Because even though I have been called such outlandish names, without a recipet to the cause of it, it means nothing. It is simply their way of calling me something they are guilty of. And I can not allow that just as they can't. Its hard. But it will be ok in the end and I trust in that. And your guidence has been overwhelmingly calm for me these days. I promise, I will continue to strive to be non reactionary! It is my mission to master. (lol)

Conundrums are seen by many as a riddle. A challenge that is not easily solvable. It has factors that need to be worked through precisly in order to gain the knowledge behind it. 

The title to this post is a conundrum for example. And it is like an awakening to the melodrama that has been surronding me for months now. The gaslighting. The manipulation. The reversing of facts that are not truth. 

Had one person say to me recently "well you can't argue with another persons truth". I can agree with this to a certain degree. EXCEPT two key differences. 1) the difference is all the TRUTHS flying around that are now in fact lies. 2) my truth is my truth! No less no more than the other persons!  You can not deny me my truth while arguing for anothers. It just doesnt work that way in REAL LIFE. 

My children have been gaslightening me since the beach trip, as many of you know. Well, I have been told by both "when you get counseling we can work on it". Been told by both my children that they in fact both have counselors. Low and behold....neither one of them have a counselor! UNLESS... they are each others counselor and that will get them no where fast! They are both seriously messed up. Like in the head messed up! 

They have literally convinced themselves I am an enemy. They both have decided I am evil and that ghosting me is the thing to "put me in my place". 

While they have been plotting and talking about me to each other and lord only knows who else, NOT ONE has reached out to me. Drake did  a few times but only to fuss now and again and call me a leech. Yeah, thats me I suppose. He did call to tell me about his big news, but I was very quickly repremanded and scolded like a child because I misunderstood his "instructions" on the topic. O...and he was the only one who did say Happy Mothers Day. Which I did appreciate. 

While I am held to a higher, more grander scale, they feel fit to condemn me for THEIR own grand illusions of who I am as a person. 

Let me see if I can explain what I was told by a source. Its like 5 people in a room and EVERYONE is allowed to be who ever, say whatever, do whatever, as long as it is not me. I am not allowed to talk about no one, I can not comment on no one, and I can not engage in any conversation AT ALL that is involving other people. I just should sit and be appreciative I was allowed into their presence. 

I am expected to be BETTER, than everyone else in the room, and for me to be subserviant to THEM if I want to be in their life any longer! 

I know, you are saying WOW, and I can see the laughter coming off Visha in my minds eye. I tell this because it is crazy people! And to know many of you are going through this as I sit and type this out, I no longer can be made to feel crazy. And for that I am humbly grateful! 

I was also told "I could never give up on my kids". As if thats what I am doing. You see, I have never gave up on anyone! EVER! They gave up on me and that is what they have to come to realize! IT IS NOT THE OTHER WAY! You can't twist it to make it fit a narrative you want others to believe. Or you can...but I will call you out on it! 

Here is a simple truth, when people care, typically they want to fix things, right? They reach out. They argue their points in hopes to resolve and move forward. They OWN their shit! They do not constantly demand apologies! Even then, when you give them that much, THEY STILL DEMAND MORE! I say No now. 

Life doesn't work that way. The funny thing about truth there is no right or wrong, no offence or defence. It is simply TRUTH. Now peoples perspectives of that TRUTH can vary depending on your own thoughts and opinions. But ALL of it can be worked through IF one cares enough to do the work.

So I finally grabbed a counselor off line a few months back that I have been working with and yes Jill, I give you all the prompts here, lady! You have been a shining light in this period. I feel I have done so much work and I have realized more than I ever anticipated because as I told you when we first spoke, I know eveything already! (boy was I wrong). You have taught me a lot about myself. My relationships, and the different aspects of feelings. I know now what I did not know then. I understand that my children may have issues with MY type of personality. And thats ok. But to condemn me for that, that is not ok. I have learned this as well. 

Some family you have to let go of. And yes Jill, I know you will disagree with this. I have long feared my childrens differences and myself are to wide to bridge. And it is NOT BECAUSE OF MY LACK OF TRYING! NO! But now it has to be ok with me. Jill tells me NO. But I see it clearly. I see how the grands are used as pawns. I see how I am made to feel like a stranger in my own daughters home. I see the manipulation and tactics. And I can not stand and just watch anylonger. I fully remove myself! 

They are ok sitting in rooms with people who molest children and sleep with brother-in-laws. They sit in rooms and gossip with some of the biggest ones out there. They are ok with people who have wild flares of aging phases. They feed into that stuff just like any other TYPICAL person. Instead of trying to help those individuals out, instead of trying to be a better source for them to turn too, they feed into that mythical illusion that so many people today wants to live in. But then they expect ME, to not say a word and be mindful! 

I can not do that. I do have morals! I have standards. I have a much better preservation to save the youth and condemn the idiots of this world. I will not abandoned that. God will not allow me to do that. He has NEVER, not once forsaken me and I will not fall short of him now! Maybe if more people would read about theology and religion they will fully understand this marked world and start to be a leader instead of being driven to just "conform". You two want to conform, go for it! DO NOT MAKE ME DO IT! I will not! 

This is all their choices. I have no issues with people in general. Who they love. Who they don't love. Their shade of skin or their religion. Their politics tell me more than I want to know, but even that I can deal with them. 

What I cannot deal with is being expected to go silently into the good night. If ignoring me is that way...well I guess I will...for them. But as for me, I will always shout and always call out lies, and always own what wrongs I have done. I will not coddle your daddy issues. The mommy issues. Your adults! Suck that shit up like you keep telling me do! 

I'm sick of the double standard! I'm over it!

I am sorry you feel the way you each feel sincerely! But I can ONLY fix me! You two need to fix yourselves! And if you feel you can't or don't want too, thats on you too! But do not tell people you are seeking therapy when you HAVE NOT even started the journey! 

Stop lying about the things YOU PUT IN YOUR OWN HEADS! OWN YOUR SHIT! 

I'm done being your punching bag! You can both go kick cans. I do not care! But I will not be manipulated by you two anylonger!   

One thing we each can not change no matter how much we each want...I am THE one and only mother you get! You can have subsitutes, standins, adoptive. But none will bare my scars from having you! No will have my burdens of raising you! None will ever know the sacrifices I had to endure to make sure you both got what I felt was right for each of you! I took you both to the doctors when you were sick (very little because I kept you warm and fed). It was me who took you to the dentist every 6 months. It was me who wiped runny noses and crying eyes! It was me who did baseball and dance runnings! ME! Me when you wanted to start babysitting! Me when you wanted that first job! I pushed you each and I WAS THERE for EVERY LOUSY BIT OF IT ACCORDING TO YOU BOTH! It was me who bought the pictures every year. It was ME who outfitted you! ALL OF IT! You can hone in on one or two people who helped along the way, I know because you both remember ALL THOSE PEOPLE! There were SO MANY! HA! 

The only thing ever bought for either of you that I DID NOT PURCHASE, were gifts, and two winter coats one year from someone. THATS IT! 

But that is what you tell yourselfs isnt it? And anyone willing to listen. I know its lies! You can claim whatever you want! 

People also need to know I DO NOT MAKE SHIT ABOUT MONEY! I could care less about money! I have it, you need it, its yours! Each of you have experienced this through out your life! I have it, I spend it! It's what I do. I am a firm believer in "you can't take it when you go, so spend"! 

BUT LOW AND BEHOLD..the minute I need a few bucks to go get my meds or gas...you two literally have a melt down!!! I have text from you both on that end! None of this is about money to me! It is WITH BOTH OF YOU! It always has been! It always will be! It's who you are! Not me! 

Mason calls and says shes short 300$ and needs her books, her cap and gown, her whatever. I got reciepts. I send it! I never asked for it back! I did request my $1200 back that I loaned CODY because it was a loan. And he told me standing in the parking lot out side of Guissppees in October 2024, he would have it as soon as he turned in some stock he had at the end of the year. I sent it to him in the parking lot standing there. It went into his moms account for some reason. I don't know why. I have that text from Mason telling me about it. I haven't recieved a penny back. Nor do I expect to because this is why I believe I am being ghosted. And for THAT reason alone. You know what really hurt me in that whole situation? Do you even care? 

NOT ONCE did he say Thank you Danielle. Not once! Nor has he ever, nor will he ever. I suppose I owe him something too. 

You know, family does that! I can't tell you how much money I owe my dad and my sister! I can't! They always step in and help when I need it. Even my mom in-law. They are family and I try desperately to always be there with whatever they need, when they need it. It is what family does. 

Typically no I do not keep running receipts for what I am owed. But I damn sure pay back or ledger what I have knowlingly borrowed! Thats adulting! Shrinking your responsibilty is not something I should have to shoulder. 

So while you two sit there and think I am sitting here rotting, rest assured, I am not. I want happiness in life too. I deserve it! As do you! I do not look to take away any of your feelings. You are validated for how you feel. BUT so am I. I cannot fix what I do not know about. I can only fix myself. 

I have reached out to both of my children in hopes of patching something, anything. By one I am ignored and the other I am called names. Now he too is ghosting me. And I know I am not alone. And I know I will miss them very much. My heart is heavy thinking about it. But I can't fight a lone war anylonger. I hope you both understand. 

I hope you both know this is not to hurt either of you! It is all just my truth laid bare. Like it. Leave it. Don't care anylonger. The only thing I pray is you both NEVER go through what you have put me through and for NO GOOD REASON AT ALL. You haven't even sought any type of counseling. You don't want to fix anything!  

Drake accused me of "not being in his life for the past few years". Think about that one Drake. Seriously. You came home from the marines and went to go be with your daddy. What? Was I suppose to come with you? You CHOSE to move to Michigan. Your choice, but MY FAULT, right?

I tried to come visit in March and I was told no. So I didn't come. I got some excuse about the house being repaired. Well ok. Remember that word "family"? You think my family cares if my house is a mess when they come to visit me? You think I would EVER let that stop them from coming to visit? Again, YOUR CHOICE, but my fault right? NEWS FLASH: I never cared about a messy house or Masons pit. I only care about spending time with you each and the kids. YOU BOTH MAKE THE EXCUSE, but I have to suffer the blame. Make that make sense please!

Yall both have got a whole lot of growing to do. Stop pointing fingers. Stop lying. Stop being bullies. START being smart people instead of idiots. If you each own your own SHIT, everything else fades away. All the little stuff. It just goes away. 

I am proud of you guys but for that. But you don't need my stamp of approval. Afterall, who am I to either of you.

To Mom

Empty.

I just feel empty anymore. 

I do not give up on my loved ones, but they too easily gave up on me.

Time is no ones friend.

And it all goes way to fast.

I am not the first, I will not be the last. I understand a lot more now than I ever did in my youth. I understand the faces my mom made when I would visit her with kids in tow. I understand the disappointment from her in many of my choices. It did not change her. It changed me! 

All I can do is reflect on it and apologize to her. To let her know I understand. I fully feel what she must of felt then, now. 

If I owe anyone anywhere an apology, it would be her. 

She did so much with so little. And at least she tried! She never gave up. 

Today I am blessed because I still have her in this world. I have her knowledge. I have her guidence if needed. But most of all, we have a friendship that I can lean on when needed. No matter our differences in anything else. 

I chatted with her on Mothers day a few minutes. And it made me stop and think about the little stuff, the big stuff. And I have reflected on all of it over the past few days. 

I want her to know she was enough! She is enough! She is my mom and on that alone I will respect her and love her. But anything else, its a bonus. The arguments, the laughter, the dinners, the tears, all of it! She never HAD to do anything. But she DID DO all she could. 

I love you mom. I truly hope you always know I am here if you ever need me, at least for as long as God sees fit. 

The Glory of God

Anyone ever thought about the Glory of God? The meaning behind the Glory?

To say your religious, any religion, even atheist, I would think you would have to have examined this question into its depths. I would think...

But I think people are lazy. I think people are scared. I think people are so self serving that they can not think of anything else except what this life can give them in this very moment in time and space. I think I too was a person just like this. I think we have been conditioned to have more empathy for animals than humans. I think we have been allowed to idolize things such as money, because money means wealth. Wealth means power, more freedoms. Power means control. Freedoms means more time to do whatever. I think it has been this way throughout history. This is nothing new. 

I am very seriously thinking of baptisim. I think I need it as a way to gain a better aspect for truth in which I want to live my life. Not that a baptism alone can bring me more knowledge. But it can bring me to things I have been delaying. Clairvoyantcy, maybe? Really unsure. Just feel the need.  

Truth should never hurt anyone. Ever. The bible tells us that "ALL has fallen short of the Glory of God". Meaning that NO ONE can gain enterence into the Heavens, because we are all sinners. Our bible tells us He is all knowing. He is all good and all perfect and none of us can ever get close to Him because we have ALL fallen short of Him. Which is scary right? To believe in God, you want to believe there is actually a heaven you can GET into, where He is, right? A place to see God and your loved ones in the after life. It is a beautiful thought process. 

To actually achieve that, if that is ever something anyone wants to actually learn about, you have to do some digging. Like I did.

Many of you probably do not know this, but there are actual historical records and documentations that have been kept from this era, over 2000 years ago, documenting eyewitness testimony of a man, known by the name of Jesus, from a place called Bethlaham, that traveled with a small group performing many miracles; raising the dead, healing the blind, even walked on water. Not the Bible. But ACTUAL documentation from eyewitness testimonies. Documents of how he was forced to carry his own cross to his crucifiction under the governor Pontius Pilate of Judea. Then 3 days later, he did rise from the dead. And this is known because there are about 500 documented witnesses that state they had infact seen Jesus AFTER his crusifiction. They give reference and dates if one wants to look into that. There is FACTUAL data, NOT the bible alone, that give FULL credence to an actual person.  

Jesus Christ gave his life for us. He died to save each and every one of us. Rather YOU choose to believe it or not. And in doing so, he stated simply, "forgive them Father, for they know not what they do". 

Jesus GAVE his life to save you and I. This one act of sacrifice and true bravery wiped out everyone of our sins, yours and mine. He took our sins, and we took his life. To deny him, is to deny eternal life. Denying facts about HIS OWN LIFE travels without looking into any of this, is the most deplorable thing to me. You do not have to read the bible if you do not want to. I get the arguements over the bible's truth and testimonies, origins from different publishings, written in many languages, etc. People contest the bible. Always has. Always will! But you cannot deny factual documents. If nothing else, you will see that there was infact a man of that time period, by this name, doing those things and died on a cross.  

The bible states God is a fair and just God. It also states God is a man of anger and frustration at the world and what it had come too at the point of current after death documentation. As a creator of something as beautiful as this Earth and emaculent as its people, I too would be completely devastated. And the bible tells you this. The fire and the brimstone it talks about. Gods anger and resentment of the people he had created. The bible tells us all of it. And it is very scary. It alone has made many people turn away in fear from retribution. Thinking if they do not believe then it doesn't apply to them. To that I say "Wrong!".  I know a person who has in fact said to me "If there was such a man, and he is the God of Glory, why then is he so angry and mean?" To that I replied, "how would you feel? If what you had created turned on itself and killed your only son?" Really think about this! And put yourself in HIS shoes. 

Jesus said "I am the way and the light. Only through Me can you get to Him and the kingdom of heaven".  

Think about Jesus's recorded, documented life. His sacrifice for you to have your life and your after life if you so choose. Think about your own life up to this point. How selfless have you been? 

If all you have to do is believe, what is the harm? Again, rather you believe it or not, JESUS DIED FOR YOU TOO! Why not believe in HIM? What is the harm in this? 

The commandments were set fourth to allow for a more prosperous and peaceable world. Not to hold anyone back. Read them (in simplist form below) and think about them in TRUTH. None of those commandments are placed there to harm anyone. They are placed upon each of us individually to make us better human beings.

1. You shall have no Gods before me
2. You shall not make idols
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain
4. Remember the sabbath day and to keep it holy
5. Honor your father and your mother
6. You shall not murder
7. You shall not commit adultry
8. You shall not steal
9. You shall not bare false witness against your neighbor
10. You shall not covet

These are simple, moralistically vertuous rules to help govern your/our life. To help you raise good and well behaved, respectful children. To help one acheive a better balance on this Earth among other people with different backgrounds and opinions. There is nothing here that discriminates against any one person or population. 

Think about it... if we each comply to these 10 simple rules here on Earth, people and the populations should have no issues, right? 

Theoretically, yes. That very well could be true IF we all believed in one simple thing. Jesus Christ. That He lived. That He died for our sins. And we were given a few simple rules to live by for peace and harmony. 

But instead, what we have today, considering so many choose to not believe in anything; or to believe in different religions, some of which actually cry out for retribution in support of it; not taught to have any respect for communities or people we live among; the hatred; the bigotry; the double standards; the hipocracy; seperation of people into groups and races; this is what we have all cumulated into. This is what has allowed for so much madness. The endless wars. The fighting within families. The chaos. 

You have to ask yourself at some point what is the purpose of any and all of it? 

Now I want you look at those 10 commandments again. You see the arrangement of those 10 commandments? That is on purpose. Because first, if you reconginize God, as the One and Holy, then it sets the stage for the rest to follow. 

If you see God as your One and Holy true God, you have no other God, you will not make idols, because you have God as your idol. It will literally make you cringe to use the Lords name in vain, as it does me and I often ask so many NOT to do that in my presence. It is in fact very offensive to you IF you believe in God. You will hold the sabbath day sacread for rest and reflection. Respecting your parents for nothing else but they are older and through God was able to BARE you life. Do not kill anyone. Do not cheat. Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not be envious or jealous of anothers things. 

Simple, right? 

The reason the world is so crazy right now is because there is no GUIDE TO LIVING DIFFERENTLY.

Religious freedom is a wonderful thing. It truly is. One of my greatest learning scopes have been about religion, the many sectors, the theology behind it, the age of religion, etc. It simply facinates me. But what facinates me more, is how one can turn away from learning, or even wanting to learn, about Christianity.

I'll dive further into that later. For now, I think I have said enough to at least get some of you to start thinking in a different direction. Try Christianity. I promise you it cannot hurt you. It can open your world to something more. To something better. 

Accepting and being accepted is all everyone really wants I think. I do not want power. I do not want control over nothing. I do not want more than I need in any one area, including money. I want peace. In its most simplistic form. At least, the form I need and want to grow in. Because no other avenue helps satisfy my brain and its many complex directions. And no other subject has been more beneficial to my peace recently. I rest at night in comfort and peace knowing I am never truly alone and I am unwaveringly loved every single second of every day. And for that I am whole heartedly grateful! 

 

John 3:16

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, Jesus Christ, that whomever believes in Him shall not perish but have etenal life"