Your worth

Relieved is how I feel today.

I'm no longer waiting to be validated by those who have wronged me. I am learning to forgive them for their roles. Rather they fully understand, acknowledge, accept them or not.

Jill, these seminars I have been attending, the stories, ALL these tools have helped me realize a lot more from their perspective while learning I too can be validated without recognition from the people who disrupted my life by their actions.

I have validated those I hurt, to have those feelings. By recognizing their feelings are in fact real, rather I agree or disagree. I understand, or try too.

I have apologized and I have asked for a way forward.

And, as always, crickets.

Setting my own bounderies is such a rewarding thing. It IS SO HARD! But it is what I need moving forward. It is the only thing we as individuals can do to protect ourselves.

All I ever wanted was for my kids to have a good life. For us to be able to one day be TRUE Adult friends. TO be protectors of each other. TO respect and be respected. Without outside noise or others interferences. But from a place of mutual love and respect solely.

I do not need my kids to validate if I was a good mom or not. We all remember what we remember. But one thing I know I never skimped on was the love I had for them. Mad, happy, sad, disappointment, NONE ever replaced or filled the love I had for any of them. 

While I had hopes and dreams, I learned they were just my hopes and dreams. Not theirs. Their actions have allowed me to see the narrative they want to project to the world. But those are not my issues to live and contend with either. 

These seminars I share for each of you because my life up to a certain point was never JUST about me. It can help each of you understand when the next issue(s) arise with this group. Rather it be with me or someone else filling in for me. Understanding it is not about ME. It is about YOU. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T57GA7XXRE

Finding a safe place within me has been the only place I could seek refuge. And in doing this, I have been able to see more than just what was; I am grieving because I have to for me. I am grieving an idea of what I wished and hoped for me and my children with having adult relationships that include the same integraity they give every one else that has come and gone in their life. I am grieving because I not only lose what I poured my whole life into, but the extended love I have for the ones around them that they brought into my life. 

I get it is never healthy for a person to wall off anyone in hopes of protecting onesself from hurt, disappointment, pain. I know that is and has always been my go to. It is an unhealthy thing to do, for myself, as well as others. Learning how to shield myself when everything is coming at me in certain situations is just what I learned to do early on. It works or has worked for me. I am just understanding that is not a real soluable solution! It can work in certain situations, with certain people. But not with the very people born of my blood. 

So having to accept it and lean more into this knowledge, will help me more in the long run moving forward. Its not that I am even fighting with my kids anymore. It's more I am fighting to keep an idea of who I thought I had raised. Holding onto people who were never really there anyways. And letting it/them go is not easy for me. And in saying that, I would suppose I have to acknowledge, it is not easy for them either. I know I was loved. I know I may still be loved by them. Because I love my kids now, sitting here mad, angry, hurt. But my love has NEVER come with conditions. And I do not nor will I ever accept love with conditions.

But I no longer wish any one of them anything less than prosperity, love, happiness. Rather they ever come to terms with their own actions or not. I hope they will never suffer the way they have inflicted sufferage on me. EVER. I want them to have peace, be surrounded with love, understanding of others, and mindful as humans in general. 

I acknowledge I too want peace and an end to all of this. Rather in my head or in actuality. And being it can't be reciprocal, it has to be grieved, using those staging processes.  But know, you each were all worth it to this end!