Grace and its benefits

Justice is getting what you deserve.

Mercy is getting less than you deserve.

Grace comes from another being, taking the sufferage of the injustice done. 

Grace. Small word. Big ramifications. None of us are born with Grace. We learn it. If interested in doing so, we hone it and apply it where needed. 

Communication, not just talking, but listening. This is a form of grace. The grace you give to friends when tragedy strikes. To be a shoulder, lend an ear, assist the weak, and show up without being asked. Grace is something we should learn for the empathy of others that need it. The empathy of knowing when and what to say. Not in frustration, anger, but in concern and love. 

When people live in a bubble, we tend to show empathy less offen. If people truly want to be aware of other people around them, empathy should come from courteousness without promptness. In a checkout line in a store, DO NOT answer that phone! It can wait. Greet your retailer and make he/she smile. Make anothers day without allowing your phone to interupt the business at hand. Nothing and no one is that important. It is just grace to everyone immediately around you who does not want to hear the issues of your private conversations. Plain and simple. 

Show up and be there, just in that moment. Everyone wants to feel heard. TO REALLY FEEL HEARD. Not just talked at. Not having a conversation for the sake of conversation. When you ask a question, give grace to the person to answer BEFORE you ask another question. When you do this you are not really interested in what the other has to say. Your only interested in steering the conversation to where you want it to go. You are not actively listening in anyway. I know so many people that do this. Just stop and listen. You can learn more than you think you know. 

In an arguement or disagreement? Sometimes it takes time to just understand. It takes grace to consider from each perspective. It helps to consider all aspects of why and how it started and how it could have been all done differently. 

Stop trying to be the center of everyone elses world. Grace means standing back and allowing others to have that spot. Believe me, it is not worth fighting for! I do not want to be a leader in anyone elses life but my own. Wisdom has got me to that point. Grace has helped me accept it. Knowing this and the difference is the key. 

I have learned to deal with things much different than others. There are things, people, who are not worth fighting for. Then there are those who Ill continue to fight for with every breath in my body. Learning the basics of what another is seeking is where I have to allow myself to step back. Sometimes the weak deserve to be preyed upon. They should be in order to learn their own lessons. I can not teach them anything. They will always be victims. This is their justice or mercy for how they are. My grace can never help, will never benefit them. I have learned this one the hard way as well. 

I am still learning. I am continuing to be more graceful. I am continuing how to LEARN to be MORE graceful. It is a struggle I intend to win!   

Forms of Happy

A wise therapist once said...

When a person grows up feeling unseen, they learn to love by over-giving.

They pour into everyone else, hoping that, one day, someone will finally pour back into them. 

So they become the care taker. 

The fixer. 

The one who shows up, even when no one shows up for them!

And the hardest part? Deep down, they're not trying to be strong. 

They're simply waiting for someone to do for them what they've spent their whole life doing for everyone else.

I have no idea who this therapist was, but I do know one thing, she must have gone through what many people go through in life because this is what I have seen my nannie, my mom, my mom in law, and now myself go through!

Life. 

What is life? I know what it is suppose to be from many Norman Rockwell paintings. 

Is it a call to seek a happiness that may never ever come to pass? I guess that ultimately depends on the person you are asking.

Is it to have fortune? For some, I guess it could be. To be able to be self reliant without asking permission. To be able to give to those you care about. To show. To build on a solid fondation whatever you want really as long as you have the means and no how to do it. I guess this could be a good starting point.

To have success? What is success for each person? I would assume it is different for everyone. Success can come in a lot of different ways. A person being a cashier in a grocery store can start there at 15 and retire at 62 as manager, and that be that persons success story! May not be the glamours job they wanted when they started out, but is what they worked hard for and built something from. Without having to enter into a debt as massive as college all while affording his happy life style. 

To have family around? And this is a big one, because we have all been over inendated with too much family, at certain times, for too long! Lol. But not really. Because when you add people, friends and family alike, its a mixture of complexities. Of personality, opinion, autonomy itself. And it can create a hub of differences where the more that enter that circle, more ideas manifest themselves. A person that once thought a certain way, can now see a different point from anothers perspective. Not to persuade or manipulate, but perhaps understand. At least this is why I write! Because it helps me not only in my own head space, but to allow me to perhaps see things different.

I have been formally condemed for my writing publicly. By certain family members who think they can silence me into submission. I have been snubbed by people who like to feed into my line of thinking when face to face, yet act shocked when I relay interactions between us. From close family and friends to some basic aquaintcenses. Just mind boggeling to me that people can say one thing while totally living a different belief system. 

It is hard for me to do this! VERY! I have seen what comes from staying silent; what befalls closet dwellers; the don't ask don't tell throughout human history!  It is never a good thing. It is always catastrophic in the wake of change or what leads to changes. 

We live in times that are extrodonarily crazy and it is hard to know which playing field you need to be on when the very people amongest us can't tell the most basic of differences, their own gender. 

And it will only get more crazy as we move into this whole new rhelm of which many of us are not suited for. It is a world of fairy tales and haze. Literally. Think about it. As a kid I would go into a store in 1980 and buy my moms cigarettes for $1.24 a pack. I lived in Hawaii in 2017 where cigarettes cost $15.00 a pack. So I asked my sister to send them too me from the reservation near her house where they were so much cheaper, and she would literally take them out of the carton and shape them together like a book, bubble wrap and mail. Why, you ask? Because sending cigarettes through the mail is illegal! 

But in todays world, we can buy vapes and marijuana all online and get it from anywhere without any repercutions at all. No matter that vapes account for so many youth lung issues. And that one marijuana cigarette is 10x more potent than any tobacco cigarette. So to say the government has a hand in all 3 of these addictions, does not even begin to scratch the reality. 

Cigarettes are being taxed so much more than anything else on a regular basis. A person is addicted and unless they quit they will continue to buy. 

Vapes are the "make-up" for the corrporations loss of droves of people quitting due to prices in cigarettes continuosly increasing. 

Marijana, a medical loop hole that first allowed it from an illegal drug to a LEGAl drug and states seeing a form of revenue. When you can not stop something, you have to find ways to profit from it. With the government seeing it as well, and seeing it being legalized in some states, starts distributing 4 seeds per person for individual use! WOW

This is huge! 

Cause now they can keep taxing the cigarettes, allow profits from new vapes all while setting themselves up for future addics to keep buying into this rhelm, AND make money from drugging people. All the while bombing drug boats from coming in at any harbor!

And this lady and gents is only one example. 

Another is, and I hate to say it, "the Swifty" scam. This child makes millions off her talent. It is her God given right to do so. And she is a great singer. But this girl does not care about her fans, their struggles, their individualizm. All she cares about is you buying tickets to her concerts at astronomical prices. If you can't afford it, ol well. If you take food out of your kids mouth to buy that ticket, again, your issue. Negative in that bank account because you paid for flight tickets to get to that said concert? Sorry, you should borrow from family you completely disregaurd and show no respect too and do you. Because lets face it, it is all about the ME TOO generation. YOU alone is all that matters! And she pushes this to keep fans coming under her haze. 

Yet this is what is happening! And they call themselves "Swifties" like they are some elite group. It is so sad to watch (so called) adults act like adolestence as if its norm. What is happening? Where did all of this go so wrong? Can we ever hope to have normal children again? Or it all a pipe dream...

I can love quietly

Life is hard people. Not just on me. On everyone. 

For some reason people seem to think I have pity for myself. That I seek pity for myself.

I do not. I am harder on myself than I will ever be on anyone else. You think my name calling of you is any worse than myself? Thank again! I know who I am! That is why insults do not bother me. I do not lie to myself everyday. I do not allow others to lie to me either. 

All I ever want to do is just be understood in ways others will not bend to see. You ask to be seen. To be heard. Well know I see you and I hear you. 

I took down my last post because maybe it wasnt fair. I mean it was fair to me in my brain. But maybe not to hubs. And I get that. And he asked for me to take it down. And because he asked, I complied. Understand, it changes nothing between him and I. We are still seperating.

We are just different people. It doesn't change how much I love him either. It is still about the differences. So, for whoever felt the need to reach out and tattle tale (lol...I know who you are) no worries! If he really cared to follow my writings at all you would not have had to do that! If he would have really listened to everything I have been saying for weeks, he would have known and I would have not had to write out all those frustrations! But Thank you. Thank you for putting your nose in my business yet again. Remember...boundries! 

Anyways...with that in mind, I think I got a little more insight into what I need to do. 

To Mason, I am sorry I called you names and said things that were mean spirited and full of anger. Im sorry I went into the rage I went into at the beach. I sincerely apologize for not coming to you first and setting the stage properly. I should have done that instead of placing my trust in you to handle it. Not that I know you cant handle it! But you have four littles and I have none and I should have stepped up FOR YOU and for THAT, I am sorry! I never meant to hurt you in any way at all! I can not remember the things I said because they were all nasty.

And I meant NONE of them. I was angry. 

And that is not an excuse. It just means I need to learn how to handle my anger a little different. I know this. I accept responsibilty here. And you can continue to keep your distance. I do not want to be mean here now. I just need space as well. 

I do not know what our future holds. But I am letting go of all that now. Either you can too or not. But know I sincerely apologize. 

When I was breathing

To Everyone...including you reading this.

Perfect song. Follow the link to listen.

I hope they all listen and I hope they heed its meaning. 

https://www.google.com/search?q=when+i+was+breathing+they+kept+their+distance+song&oq=when+i+was+breathing+they+kept+&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqBggAEAAYAzIGCAAQABgDMg0IARAAGIMBGLEDGIAEMgYIAhBFGDkyDQgDEAAYhgMYgAQYigUyDQgEEAAYhgMYgAQYigUyBwgFEAAY7wUyBwgGEAAY7wUyBwgHEAAY7wUyBwgIEAAY7wXSAQoxMjkxNmowajE1qAIIsAIB8QXqAQSr7FCj8A&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:5e0bb5f2,vid:0qIso-P6f5s,st:0

Communication factor 1

Thought for today... 

You cannot be at peace with yourself if you cannot effectively communicate with someone.

I have been trying to communicate with people all my life. I am very effective at communication. Was always lead speaker in many of my classes. Never held back. Did the research and cited as needed in a full APA format rather needed to turn in or not. 

Communication is key to any healthy relationship. Lack of communication means no relationship. So I cannot help but allot the sum of a few of my relationships to non-exsistant. And that is ok. I am ok with that. I just would like to know the exact reasons why and how. 

But maybe that too is not relavent. One does not need a sky written message to know you were never of any real consiquence. And I for one do not. I have always said a persons actions will ALWAYS speak louder than any voice can! And all of this, all the kids involved, the adults, the agressors, the ones who think they are louder than everyone else in a room, the weak, the prayed upon, the abused, the agitator, all of em., mean so little to me now. Almost insignificant. 

People tend to think once a person has been "removed" from anothers life for a while all of sudden they can pop back round when and where they want. And that may work for some. And it is ok as long as YOU personally have no involvement within that group. But that will not work with me on any level, or EVER. So you can forget that I will not remember. Because if you come back into my rhelm, the first thing I will do is HOLD you accountable. So therefore, I expect no one to ever reenter my rhelm...including any of these people I speak about here. 

Again, all of this is so insignificant. What is significant is communication. Because without it, why even bother with anyone...ever. 

I finally feel at peace with myself and in my thought processes. Within my chosen path forward. I can actually see an out and it is very enlightening. I do not need this residual chaos that a family creates. 

Kids cry because parents are to strick, they cry because they feel like they are not understood, they are controlled. Then when they get to be adults, they cry because they lack any moral purpose of virtue that holds them to an adult status. Clarity, right, meaning, trust, integrity, honesty, just to name a few. And THIS is what I am responsible for! I failed in this area! The most meaningful area EVER. 

Reaccessing the situations around me for weeks now has been daunting to say the least. The very recollection of events and the aftermath has been draining on my own very soul. But I have to move through it according to my therapist. I have to recongnize, identify, and apply from the others perspective. 

And when I have done this, each time it comes back to communciation, or LACK thereof. 

I was thrust into a situation under false pretenses. I was lead in a different direction from what I thought I had bought into. 

As in that situation, has been the whole entirity of my life in this family.

For once, I think I understand why my sister bailed out. Why she said fuck it and cut ties. I can actually understand what being pushed to the brink of a cliff is like. Do I jump? Or do I as well say fuck it! Fuck you! Fuck off! 

Ugghhh...another one

I cannot for the life of me figure out why people are so bothered by this blog. I do not get it! 

Is it just me? Do people really have that much of an issue with what I do on a daily? I am just floored by the reactions of people honestly.  

Got a story to tell you guys today because I was taken aback by it. Went to visit my pops yesterday because I had not seen him in a few weeks and I wanted to get out and about because for once my hip won't killing me. 

We are sitting there and he is asking me questions I still do not have solid answers for concerning myself. And then he hits me with, well sugar you have turned my brother and sister against you now too. Mouth hung open! Simply dumb-founded. 

What? What have I done to your brother? I have never had no ill feelings at all towards him. 

Apparently, I called his daughters names. Again, floored! 

First, I like his daughters! They are my cousins and we have always gotten along. I have never had any bad interactions with them at all. What are you talking about?

He could not directly recall the situation and lets just say I left his house and as much as I love my dad, I will not place him in a position to choose, so I will walk away. Always best to walk away! Im fighting against things people are making up in their own heads and there is nothing I can do. I just do not have the energy. 

My father takes up for his evil sister. I get it. I guess his brother was feeling left out of the drama so he put words in my mouth to create an issue now with ME. I am sorry he did that. 

I own my shit. I own shit that I say, and if I am being real...I say ALOT of shit! But I was fully unprepared for that assault!  

I get home and I am in full melt down mode because these people are all crazy as fuck right? I call my sister because maybe she can shed light on this new attack. And this is what I discovered: My dad and uncle came to visit me in my home a few months back. THEY were discussing family and the likes. And I chimed in on my thought processes of a few in the family. I do not remember the exact extent of that meaningless chatter because that is what I thought it was. And I remember dad going to use the bathroom and me saying to uncle something along the lines of "I know dad doesnt approve of how your kids use you and their life choices, but thats ok, he has his own set of issues with a few of his kids too". "And it doesnt matter what they do if ones life choices doesnt effect others".

That is all I said. THEY were talking about one being a dancer and the other being a druggie. NOT ME! I chimed in and made a comparison to a similar situation. I have NEVER said or put either of those girls down in any way. Even when dad riles on about how one steals from uncle. That is on him. That is his issue to correct. Not mine. Nor do I have any thoughts on it. THEY ARE incrediable, sweet girls to me. 

Dad said something about uncle saying I called one a hoe and getting paid for it while the other was slut and basically giving it away. 

I NEVER said that! I never even thought it! I do specifically remember my dad saying it and uncle laughing at this comment. 

So how in the world does this get switched around to me saying it? 

I think its because uncle needs to use me to get my dad to stop attacking his daughters actually. My dad has no use or love loss for uncles two girls. My dad is always going on and on about about how they abuse uncle. He has done this for the majority of these girls lives. Most of the time I do not chime in on this, because it is not my issue. They are both fine girls as far as I am concerned. 

My sister suggested I call my uncle. I am not going to call my uncle. 

You see, people hear and see what they want. I saw my uncles face the day they visited and I saw his face drop when dad mentioned one his daughters. I have to take this one for the team! He is NEVER going to rebute my father on his daughters adult paths. And he knows it. I do not need to put down my uncles children in any form. I have nothing to gain from that at all. I simply wish them all well and I now have to move forward trying to figure out wtf. 

I have tried very hard to leave people out of my issues. I share them and write about them. But I try very hard not to mingle people. My aunt should not be a factor in me and my dads relationship. As I should not be one in theirs. 

She is making herself a factor in my life and I DO NOT appreciate it. She calls around sticking her nose in my business. And my dad says "She would love to talk to you and resolve this".

NO DAD, she does not. She just likes to create issues for me and after her dispaly at the funeral, I will never allow her to reject me again. She needs to leave me alone. STOP calling my sister for details. Stop pretending you care. Just go suffer in your corner of the world and leave me out it! 

As for my uncle, that is all his issue and it is between him and my dad. Do not ever bring that shit into my home again! This is my space for peace. NOT a place for you to bring your issues with dad into, or vise vera! 

That is all. Thanks for listening. 

FYI

Just going to say this one last time...

Stop asking people about me.

Stop speaking on my name in rooms I’m not in.

Stop trying to get updates on my life like it’s a show you’re subscribed to.

If you want to know something about me, you can contact me DIRECTLY.

Or do what you are best at and stay away from me.

What I do, who I talk to, what I’m working on, and how I move is not anyones pet project. My name doesn’t need to be in your conversations, or your “just wondering” questions, or your "I am worried" concerns. STOP ACTING AS IF YOU CARE. You are NOT concerned about me.

If we are not close, you don’t need details.

If we don’t speak, you don’t need answers.

If I didn’t tell you, then it wasn’t meant for you.

Respect MY boundaries.

And most importantly, respect yourself enough to focus on your own life instead of trying to live in mine from the sidelines.

I have always been available for communication or anyone to ask me anything. If YOU truly have questions or concerns, use your tools to get in touch with me directly.

The people I write about in this blog would not know nothing about me so no need in calling them. Your only purpose in that was to make sure she is aware of my writings on her specifically.

And my sister who you do not talk to, or havent talked to in years, will not all of a sudden volunteer you information.

Please just stop. Think about what you are doing before you become the next topic of my Blog.