Communication factor 1

Thought for today... 

You cannot be at peace with yourself if you cannot effectively communicate with someone.

I have been trying to communicate with people all my life. I am very effective at communication. Was always lead speaker in many of my classes. Never held back. Did the research and cited as needed in a full APA format rather needed to turn in or not. 

Communication is key to any healthy relationship. Lack of communication means no relationship. So I cannot help but allot the sum of a few of my relationships to non-exsistant. And that is ok. I am ok with that. I just would like to know the exact reasons why and how. 

But maybe that too is not relavent. One does not need a sky written message to know you were never of any real consiquence. And I for one do not. I have always said a persons actions will ALWAYS speak louder than any voice can! And all of this, all the kids involved, the adults, the agressors, the ones who think they are louder than everyone else in a room, the weak, the prayed upon, the abused, the agitator, all of em., mean so little to me now. Almost insignificant. 

People tend to think once a person has been "removed" from anothers life for a while all of sudden they can pop back round when and where they want. And that may work for some. And it is ok as long as YOU personally have no involvement within that group. But that will not work with me on any level, or EVER. So you can forget that I will not remember. Because if you come back into my rhelm, the first thing I will do is HOLD you accountable. So therefore, I expect no one to ever reenter my rhelm...including any of these people I speak about here. 

Again, all of this is so insignificant. What is significant is communication. Because without it, why even bother with anyone...ever. 

I finally feel at peace with myself and in my thought processes. Within my chosen path forward. I can actually see an out and it is very enlightening. I do not need this residual chaos that a family creates. 

Kids cry because parents are to strick, they cry because they feel like they are not understood, they are controlled. Then when they get to be adults, they cry because they lack any moral purpose of virtue that holds them to an adult status. Clarity, right, meaning, trust, integrity, honesty, just to name a few. And THIS is what I am responsible for! I failed in this area! The most meaningful area EVER. 

Reaccessing the situations around me for weeks now has been daunting to say the least. The very recollection of events and the aftermath has been draining on my own very soul. But I have to move through it according to my therapist. I have to recongnize, identify, and apply from the others perspective. 

And when I have done this, each time it comes back to communciation, or LACK thereof. 

I was thrust into a situation under false pretenses. I was lead in a different direction from what I thought I had bought into. 

As in that situation, has been the whole entirity of my life in this family.

For once, I think I understand why my sister bailed out. Why she said fuck it and cut ties. I can actually understand what being pushed to the brink of a cliff is like. Do I jump? Or do I as well say fuck it! Fuck you! Fuck off!