I dont know how many of you have aunts that are a huge part of your upbringing. If your like me, in the 70's and 80's, both my mom and my dads siblings were huge parts of the extended family. Extended family is what made families so large. The times were different. The family stayed close. The option to move away or get away was not really an option at all in those days. Many of them sucked up the differences. Or learned how to resolve differences. At least how to meet in the middle on certain subjects, right?
Let's face it, being apart of any family is hard. But being a functioning, respectable part of a larger family comes with own set of burdens.
When my mom and dad first split up in 1988, my dads sister stepped up to the plate to take me and my sister, Angie, in until my mom could get herself straight mentally. Because it was hard for her to deal with 3 girls without a support system. The eldest sister took in the youngest sister during this same period. And this allowed my mom to refocus on herself. So everyone tried to assist in this situation to better the 2 adults (or in this case 1, because my mom did not chose this. She just had to learn how to deal with it) that now had to face different paths.
This was not an easy time for any one. My aunt lived in a small house, in a different county, with her own family, that included my uncle and 2 cousins. She had 2 boys, and boy was it fun having these guys around!! I mean, they really were fun cousins. And BOYS! We had never known anything but a house full of girls! So it was different. I felt like I had brothers!!
I think the ages were offset by a few months give or take. Angie 15 and James 16 were close in age, and I was next at 13 and then Mike who was a few years younger than me. He was bratty, but he too was like a brother to us. James and Mike gave so much to us in those few months we lived with them. I doubt they even know how much they gave.
They shared their toys, their home, their schools and friends, and most importantly, they shared their parents! It was a small home, but it was filled with laughter and crying in rotating instances. But I dont remember the crying as much as I remember the laughter when I think of these two cousins today. They are a huge part of my fond childhood memories. I remember Uncle James Ray cuddling me one night when I woke up crying from some nightmare. He just sat me in the crook of his chair and held me til I fell back asleep. He was a good man. He was stern. He scared me more times then not when he got angry because he was not a man to anger easy from my recollection. But his presence was comforting. He was solid in his family and I think he tried to give us that same stability while we were there among them.
I can recall several instances that were flanked by...I dont want to say domineering, but more like, manipulation tactics by my aunt. She would give something and then take it away because she deemed it not adapting to her rules at the time. And it was never about the boys. It was geared more at my sister. Such as, Angie was on the cheerleading squad. She had practice on certain days and the aunt would let her drive to practice but she was to come straight back after practice. I dont recall of the details exactly, but I remember her stripping Angie of driving at all anymore because she had gone by a friends house or dropped a friend off after practice, something like that. But she did not really care. Angie broke the rules and she was stripped of that priviledge.
And then there was a time when Angie and James together went to a party of one of their friends, James was drunk when he got in. Angie wasn't drunk but had had a beer and said as much. Angie got the crap end of that stick, she was grounded and not allowed anymore outings. While James, bless him, was allowed to sleep it off.
I do not even know if James and Mike were aware of any mental interactions the aunt had going on in her home with me and my sister. The aunt would ask me all kinds of questions about my sisters goings and comings when she was at work; and ask questions like how many times I saw Angie at school each day; who did she hang with or talk too; how many times had she used the phone that day. It was everyday, all the time. I do not think Angie ever did anything worthy of being condemed for, but my aunt would grill me about her every day. Then she would reask these same questions, and if I left something out, or remembered something different from what I had said earlier, she would call me a liar and say I was covering for her. Looking back at this, it was a huge WOW for me at first. But now, it is just added parts to longer list of who my aunt is at heart.
Me, I always told her what I knew because I did not think Angie was doing anything any different from what James, or anyone else around us at that time was doing. Nonetheless, she had opened her house and she had loved us in her own way. So for that I was grateful.
I remember giving my aunt a file folder of poems and short writings when I first came to stay with her. I have always wrote. [Remember this file later on, I'll come back to it]. I write when I am stressed. I write when I need more understanding of something. I write to express my feelings. And ever since I learned how to write, I rhymed. And poetry just flowed. Poetry was easy for me. I saw poems, and still do, in every situation around us. A short combination of words to understand what one is feeling in any given moment. It is theraputic and healing at the same time. I always tell people, you dont need a therapist. You just need to write it all out! Just get it out! Reread it and start critiquing it and you, in the depths of it, will find the answer you seek for almost every situation.
I guess this post is about my aunt and maybe for once getting it out, because I have never collectively sat down and made it an issue to resolve for myself. But it does need to be done. Not just about her but with many in my family. But I have to start somewhere. Maybe her because I feel the mental abuse has been longer. And I do not fully think my dad can ever understand what I am saying without a record of it.
When we were with my aunt, we never went to any church or said the word church from my recollections. But today, my aunt is fully intrenched in the church. Not sure what brand she is, because although she was Methodist, where she played tresuary secretary, she did not like that it was becoming more open for progression, so she pulled away from that sector, according to our last conversation anyways. She would preach and guide prayers at family functions. People saw her as religious and involved. Which, she has always been involved. She has to have her nose out there 24/7 in others business instead of trying to water her own grass. Its just who she is. I think the church set-up allows for people of a certain character to have a holier than thou persona and this was/is my aunt. She is the epitimee of "charity starts with faking it til you make it" or what I see her as "charity starts with anothers perception of me first".
These are not easy assessments of my aunt. But it is who she is. And through all her faults, my dad loves her. And because he loves her, I give her grace. She does not need anything from me at all, let me be very clear. I give her grace for my dad solely. In private, I pray for her and her soul.
Through out my life, my aunt has been there, but rarely has she ever lended a hand in a giving spirit. She boasts about how much she does and gives to others. She boasts about her charitable serving ways. She is very boastful. Anyone who knows her has to acknowledge that as fact.
My sister had to go to court one day when she was 17 or 18 on a charge of assulting this girl who came at her and my mom. My sister goes to court and low and behold, but who is sitting on the side of assailent? THE AUNT! This child assulted not only my sister, but my mom as well and our own aunt goes and sits on HER side! Who does this? And the reason she worked out in her own head was because "she had no one on her side." Seriously? Maybe because she was in the wrong? Or maybe because you had two faces like you always have had? Maybe?
Anyway, fast forward to when my dad decided he and mom were going to get back together in early 2000's, like 2004 I believe it was. I was MAD. And then to find out the aunt was the one PUSHING for it. When I truly believe she is the one that encourged dad to leave mom in 1988 because he was seeing Uncle James Ray's sister! And she knew all this stuff!
But anyways, yes, when I asked dad about him and mom getting back together and found it to be true, I was so gravely mad at this! Not only had mom gone through so much after he first left her and put all the family in upheaval, now they were going to drag the grandkiddos through this a SECOND time? I did not understand. One thing I did know is that mom still loved my dad, even through another failed marriage. And dad did love mom, and said he would never marry again and never has. I think they still love each other a great deal to this day!
BUT, it does not mean you have to act upon it. Because people change and through the years, my mom had changed a great deal. She was more independant. She was more religious. She was not willing to color white lies or be second best. She was more...better! And she did not need any more hurt in her life. And her and dad, for all their love of each other, are not two people who can be together. They knew this then, one because I told them that, and two, because they are apart.
Only because you see something you want, and you have a minion in your corner cheering you on, doesn't mean you can make it fit into what you have become! Mom had to learn this to her deteriment. Mom is not the house wife/maid dad wanted. She was not as tidy as he liked his life to be. She was unapologetically herself this second time around. And it did not fit into what he liked and she wasn't willing to conform. And so they parted.
I blame this little escapade on the aunt because just like when he left the first time, and she was their encourging him to be with her sister-in-law, she was there yet again, pushing him to be with mom. She was a HUGE part of this drama in my family saga and I was mad at her for this for years.
But I sat down and we talked about it. I told her what I was angry at and how I felt about the situation as a whole. She apologized but said it was simply what her brother wanted and she had supported him on it. We agreed to let bygones be bygone.
In between years here, within her own household falling around her, the aunt has divorced Uncle James Ray and has remarried. Uncle Tommy, through all his faults, and dear Lord there were many, he was a good one! He was truthful with his demons and he fought to overcome them. He truly loved my aunt and I think in these days, even with all the things that gave him his own pleasures, she was at her happiest. She was happy with Uncle Tommy and the boys accepted him. I think this was about the time that little James started talking to his mom again. He had quit his mom the same way he felt she had quit him and his dad when she left. And he was right in his actions at that time. Because kids are an after thought when a parent doesn't see a marriage through! Even if the kid is older. If you dont want to be there anylonger, if its not good, if its able to be done, talk through your grown choices with your children so they feel apart of it. Not an after thought to it!
So the aunt was dealing with a lot. But of her own making! Because Uncle James Ray did not deserve what she did. He did not beat her, he did run around on her, he was there for his boys, he was a provider. He did what any good husband is supposed to do. She just fell out of love and that was it. Said he never did anything with her. Which I get. She is valid in her leaving. But it was of her own choosing. And for that she paid a steep price of having her eldest son have nothing to do with her for years. Until either one or two things happened and I do not know the circumstances exactly, but either it was Uncle James Rays funeral or Uncle Tommy's persausion. Either way, little James and his mom mended fences.
Uncle Tommy died not too long after our family beach trip in 2014. He is so missed. He was such a good ole fella and I am so happy we got that summer vacation together! Aunt has remarried to a wealthy show and tell guy. Nice fella, but no uncle Tommy. No James Ray for sure!
Now I will fast forward to February 2022. My husband has a major onset medical issues. We are literally on a cruise when this happens. We had done a family cruise with my immediate family and we had such fun. On the day before we were to depart the ship for home, the hubs has a heart attack, symptoms getting worse as we drive homeward bound. Skip forward to April and we have not only depleted our savings, but medical bills are literally sufficating us and monthly bills do not stop! We had sold everything we had extra, the hubs truck, his boat, etc., to stay above water because the hubs at the time did not have medical insurance. I was not working because of his condition(s) and we were drowning. The glass half full had dehydrated so far it was starting to break the glass itself.
I did not want to ask my dad for any money because one he is on a retirement budget, and two he would go without to do for me and my family and I could not have that on me as well. So, I called my aunt. You know the one that helps everyone (else)? Yeah, that one! And ol goodness, it took everything I had in me to call her too, because she is so pious. I knew there would be a lecture and I could not deal with that as well as everything else. But none the less, she was my ONLY option, so I called.
Surprisingly, she was helpful. She said she herself did not have it, but she would talk it over with Larry (her new husband) and get back to me. So the next day she calls me back and she tells me they can lend me the $2,500.00. I told her I could not promise to pay it back right away, that hubs was applying and waiting for his disability but I would do all I could to get them paid within 6 months. This was all me and my timeline. They both told me, no worries, I was working locally when I could, and they would help us.
Shew. I can atleast get two months ahead of just our monthly bills now! The only thing I asked her was please DO NOT say anything to dad about this because one I knew he would be upset that I did not come to him first, and second, I had not trusted in him. I did not want him to feel that way at all. So if she could please just not say anything. She said dont worry about that. It was not an issue.
The six month mark came and I had repaid $200, $700, and $500. Like a sum of $1500 I had paid back within the six months I had alotted myself for full repayment. But I called and kept in contact with aunt and Larry so they knew I was not forgetting them in anyway!
Larry, forever boasting about everything he has, the millions he has in the bank and all his miniture cars (for minture people), and vacations, and lake houses, boats, etc., it goes on and on with him, which is fine, he has been like this since the first day I met him. I do not except him to change. People do not become millionaires by always giving. I get it! I hope they see themselves for what I now see them as; nongiving, noncharity operations without due acknowledgement (maybe I should of placed a bill board with a Thank You posted in their honor of $2,500 dollars). And let be clear, that is Two thousand, five hundred and 00/100s. NOT Twenty Five thousand and 00/100s. Not a great sum! Just enough to help us out for a few months of traction.
But then I get word that the aunt and Larry have told my dad about the money and that I have yet to pay them back.
I mean seriously? Not only have I paid them back almost half (which they did not mention), but you have money to spare for others? You cant give me a grace period? Or better yet...CALL ME and ask before calling my dad? Like seriously, during this time frame, I visited and spoke with my aunt monthly! She could have said if she needed it earlier! I would have pushed something off. But to go to my dad, who I asked specifically not to be told?
This is my aunt.
- This is the same aunt that took a poetry file from a 13 year old and held onto it for 20 years, so I could look back on it someday and "rethink" what I was going through in those years.
- The same aunt that pitted sisters love of each other, against each other.
- The same aunt that played chess with my mom and dad feelings for each other for decades.
- The same aunt that sits in judgement of a church and who they chose to allow in!
- This is the aunt that uses and manipulates our very feelings to justify her preachings! She is not worth the energy I ever put into any relationship with her.
Needless to say, it took me right at a year to pay them off with a bonus because I never meant to harm them in anyway, and truthfully, a bank would have charged interest. I walked in and placed the envelope on the counter of their home and I left. I have not spoke to my aunt since. I do not really care too. Her actions, her reasoning, will all be plausible excuses in her own mind. I wont begin to go that route! But I tell you what I have learned through the years...
- When a person shows you who they are, make sure to always watch the action before the word.
- When you hear a boaster become louder, look careful, charity will NEVER start within ones own home/rhelm.
- When you think someone has your best interest at heart, look first to see who is being stepped on, it will surprise you to see their carnaige.
- Someone who hides within a church, know that demons reside there as well.
- When you think you can move forward, be advised, they can deem you the damned by their own judge and jury. And you will be left to hang.
- Do not get mad. Do not get even. Just chose to never be like them.
- Trust being broken once, can be recovered. Over and over, it becomes my turn to walk away.
And please, know this, I do not blame her for everything bad in my life. She has her own small parts of good in my life line. Like swimming in Angie's pool in Arizonia. We had fun out there! She was a part of that laughter and it felt good. Shopping in OBX. We have had our fun. And it makes me smile to remember those times. But it saddens me too because I too have always been forsaken by her. She has always used me in some form or capacity, to either get to Angie or to my dad. She will never admit it. She is too vein to ever see any of this through my eyes.
But I think what hurt me most recent, was her action toward me AT A FUNERAL. Her daughter in law had just passed away spring of 2025. I go to hug her in a line of people hugging she and Larry and she literally shoulder shrugged me away. At a funeral! In front of many, many people who saw and witnessed it. Where I am not the display, BUT SHE chose to make herself a DISPLAY piece! Disgusting! I was so disgusted by that one.
See it wasn't about MaryBeth at this point. At this point it was about me being in her presence! Did not matter one bit that me and MaryBeth got along great and I have huge amounts of sympathy for Maddie and Mike and what they are going through. I was willing to walk through this onslaught of people and not make a scene because it was not about me or her, BUT SHE WAS NOT WILLING TO DO THAT! That should tell everyone exactly what she is about always and first! In case nothing else says it, that shows it.
So anyways...this is the end of my aunts story in my life! I wish her and Larry nothing but blissful happiness truly! I hope they figure out a way to take all those dollars and matieral items with them when they go. I hear their health is not good. I do pray for them to be healthy. To be happy. But you hear things and I hope they are happy with themselves because I think that is all they have. His family has little to do with him and her family has nothing to do with her. O, except my dad. Because he does love his sister. And I am glad he can be there for her. But I will never fall back into that trap! It's a waste field of potential! Because I do love her. I just have to love from afar now. And never ask anything of her again. Not even her love.
