Psalm 46:10

Be still and know I am GOD! Everything will be okay.

GOD knows you are tired.

HE knows you have done your best.

HE knows you feel lost about the future.

But HE sees you. 

HE sees that you have not given up. HE has a plan for you. HE will fight for you.

Be still, have faith and you will not need to fight.

GOD will remove the people who should not be there, open doors you couldn't open, and turn things around.

Everyday I have to read this. Everyday I choose to put my faith in GOD. Everyday I feel healing. My heart. My soul. I am healing in a way where I am starting to see HIS plan for my path forward. There have been people in my life that I have fought to keep in my life, some for over 20+ years. It is hard to let go! It is so hard to see myself walk away from the very people I have always considered my people and always loved. It is hard to do. It is hard to see into the future when you walk away from all you have known for so long. 

But I have to recongnize the very people I am grieving, let go of me a long time ago. That is a lot to take on and feel. But I have to feel it in order to accept it and move into any direction. 

It also places me in a position of understanding. In some relationships in my past, I can see the reason my oldest sister had to step away from people in the family. Had no idea why she chose this path. She asked all of us to leave her alone. And I have respected that. I will not ever breach that because of who I am in my morals and values. 

I do/did not agree with her lifestyle. But that is/was her lifestyle! Not mine. Her lifestyle allowed for her divorce to come to pass. She set up her lifestyle to come and bite her in the butt. Instead of admitting that and facing it for what it is, she would rather blame everyone else around her. Me, my dad, my poor mom, who is not perfect, but is full of love for each of us! Instead of coming and trying to resolve the issues that seperate(ed) us, she talks to the only passive one in the family. Anyone she even thinks will call her out, she runs from, she avoids any confrentation at all! 

Unfortunately, this is the same for both of my daughters and to a certain extent, my husband. I will never be the cause for someone to have to chose between people we (each) love. I will calmly let them go. And while I struggle to uderstand, there is absolutely nothing that can be done when they shut off all communication and switch the details of their involvement to shrink their own culpability! Thats on them. 

My door is open...for now. I cannot gaurantee for how long. It took me two years to fully be done with reaching out to the oldest sister. I am learning to be still and know! And by the grace of GOD I hope to have more and better clarity. I pray for this to come to pass. Because HE is all I have. 

The time I went through grieving my sister after she excommunicated herself from my life was not easy. I tried over and over and reached out so many, many times. Everytime I was met with absolute SILENCE. The only thing that told me was I was not worth fighting for. So when I made the stance and pull away for my own sake, I am looked at as being mean, as being unreasonable. Like she was in the right to be the way she was/is but my reaction to her (unaction) was/is unreasonable. 

This ladies and gents is what is called BAIT and SWITCH. This is how it is done. But what people fail to realize or even acknowledge is that for every action a person does something, there will be a reaction! And that is on you to take responsibilty for! Not to place upon the person who did not have anything to do with any of it to begin with! 

This is the exact same situation from the beach vacation. Two people who took control over something they were not given. One, a family member who is really good at organization, and the other an invited outsider/guest, who personally has major control issues. These two have yet to accept any of the responsibility their individual actions caused and created the reaction from me! 

My reaction, I have apologized for. Numerous times to all 3 of them. And they keep demanding apologies! And the reason I have come too is they have not recognized and accepted what they did. They have not apologized to me in any form, other than one. The partner. She did apologize for her yelling on the steps the first day. But after that, they still demand more and more for their own needs. Therefore they feel justified in their demands. 

No conversations as to date on any of this! One I have had chatted with but not indepth because she is still weighing how she handled her end of things! And the other, well, yall saw her response in an earlier PC. She is doing what all people in a controlled relationship does. And thats ok. But even that too is on her. You see, truthfully, if she wanted to resolve things, she could! She just can't use the daughter to do it. Or like wise. I will respect the individual efforts. The team effort I am not interested in at this point! 

And its funny because she threatened to air my dirty laundry, but jokes on her. One, I dont have any dirty laundry that I wont own myself, and two, I do not really care what she does. I would never know what she does because I do not follow her. And I do not associate with those around her. But even if she thinks she needs the daughter to mend her ways, she doesn't. She just needs to accept her own actions and have those conversations first. They all 3 will have to at some point. Or accept what I am slowly accepting. That they are losing a person who loves them very much! No matter what is done, to me personally, family will always come first! I will treat as well and as good as I am treated. And at this point, their treatment of me has been very eye opening. 

So I bolded the verse above in reference to that! You see I do not need any one as long as I have GOD. And I am ok with this because HE is the one in control of all our fates. Rather you acknowledge HIM or not. Our paths have already been dictated! The only thing left to ask is who are you in your own morals and values? What have you not accepted within your truth that holds you at arms length? Or who? 

Passage of time, it can heal. If you allow it too. It can fester, if that is so what you chose. But one thing it will never do, for me, is be forgotten. I do not stick my head in the sand and let bygones be bygones! I love these people and I expect better of them just as much as they expect from me! 

But for now, I will just be still and know! I am learning more than I could ever imagine!