I can love quietly

Life is hard people. Not just on me. On everyone. 

For some reason people seem to think I have pity for myself. That I seek pity for myself.

I do not. I am harder on myself than I will ever be on anyone else. You think my name calling of you is any worse than myself? Thank again! I know who I am! That is why insults do not bother me. I do not lie to myself everyday. I do not allow others to lie to me either. 

All I ever want to do is just be understood in ways others will not bend to see. You ask to be seen. To be heard. Well know I see you and I hear you. 

I took down my last post because maybe it wasnt fair. I mean it was fair to me in my brain. But maybe not to hubs. And I get that. And he asked for me to take it down. And because he asked, I complied. Understand, it changes nothing between him and I. We are still seperating.

We are just different people. It doesn't change how much I love him either. It is still about the differences. So, for whoever felt the need to reach out and tattle tale (lol...I know who you are) no worries! If he really cared to follow my writings at all you would not have had to do that! If he would have really listened to everything I have been saying for weeks, he would have known and I would have not had to write out all those frustrations! But Thank you. Thank you for putting your nose in my business yet again. Remember...boundries! 

Anyways...with that in mind, I think I got a little more insight into what I need to do. 

To Mason, I am sorry I called you names and said things that were mean spirited and full of anger. Im sorry I went into the rage I went into at the beach. I sincerely apologize for not coming to you first and setting the stage properly. I should have done that instead of placing my trust in you to handle it. Not that I know you cant handle it! But you have four littles and I have none and I should have stepped up FOR YOU and for THAT, I am sorry! I never meant to hurt you in any way at all! I can not remember the things I said because they were all nasty.

And I meant NONE of them. I was angry. 

And that is not an excuse. It just means I need to learn how to handle my anger a little different. I know this. I accept responsibilty here. And you can continue to keep your distance. I do not want to be mean here now. I just need space as well. 

I do not know what our future holds. But I am letting go of all that now. Either you can too or not. But know I sincerely apologize.