Lets talk about conundrums.
First, to Steph, thank you so much for your shared story and similarities to the fake facts. I swear that stuff cannot be made up. IT IS ALL like an idology summit. And thank you. It helped me realize the lies.
Second, to Jill! Without you, I have no idea where I would even be at this point in my life when floundering is all I can do. Trying despartly to find some sort of truth in the face of so much evil. It has been a hard road and I have felt the shattering in my chest each time, coming to so many realizations. It has not been easy. It will not be easy from here on out no matter what. But I know the results and I have to do what is best for everyone, and that includes me. Because even though I have been called such outlandish names, without a recipet to the cause of it, it means nothing. It is simply their way of calling me something they are guilty of. And I can not allow that just as they can't. Its hard. But it will be ok in the end and I trust in that. And your guidence has been overwhelmingly calm for me these days. I promise, I will continue to strive to be non reactionary! It is my mission to master. (lol)
Conundrums are seen by many as a riddle. A challenge that is not easily solvable. It has factors that need to be worked through precisly in order to gain the knowledge behind it.
The title to this post is a conundrum for example. And it is like an awakening to the melodrama that has been surronding me for months now. The gaslighting. The manipulation. The reversing of facts that are not truth.
Had one person say to me recently "well you can't argue with another persons truth". I can agree with this to a certain degree. EXCEPT two key differences. 1) the difference is all the TRUTHS flying around that are now in fact lies. 2) my truth is my truth! No less no more than the other persons! You can not deny me my truth while arguing for anothers. It just doesnt work that way in REAL LIFE.
My children have been gaslightening me since the beach trip, as many of you know. Well, I have been told by both "when you get counseling we can work on it". Been told by both my children that they in fact both have counselors. Low and behold....neither one of them have a counselor! UNLESS... they are each others counselor and that will get them no where fast! They are both seriously messed up. Like in the head messed up!
They have literally convinced themselves I am an enemy. They both have decided I am evil and that ghosting me is the thing to "put me in my place".
While they have been plotting and talking about me to each other and lord only knows who else, NOT ONE has reached out to me. Drake did a few times but only to fuss now and again and call me a leech. Yeah, thats me I suppose. He did call to tell me about his big news, but I was very quickly repremanded and scolded like a child because I misunderstood his "instructions" on the topic. O...and he was the only one who did say Happy Mothers Day. Which I did appreciate.
While I am held to a higher, more grander scale, they feel fit to condemn me for THEIR own grand illusions of who I am as a person.
Let me see if I can explain what I was told by a source. Its like 5 people in a room and EVERYONE is allowed to be who ever, say whatever, do whatever, as long as it is not me. I am not allowed to talk about no one, I can not comment on no one, and I can not engage in any conversation AT ALL that is involving other people. I just should sit and be appreciative I was allowed into their presence.
I am expected to be BETTER, than everyone else in the room, and for me to be subserviant to THEM if I want to be in their life any longer!
I know, you are saying WOW, and I can see the laughter coming off Visha in my minds eye. I tell this because it is crazy people! And to know many of you are going through this as I sit and type this out, I no longer can be made to feel crazy. And for that I am humbly grateful!
I was also told "I could never give up on my kids". As if thats what I am doing. You see, I have never gave up on anyone! EVER! They gave up on me and that is what they have to come to realize! IT IS NOT THE OTHER WAY! You can't twist it to make it fit a narrative you want others to believe. Or you can...but I will call you out on it!
Here is a simple truth, when people care, typically they want to fix things, right? They reach out. They argue their points in hopes to resolve and move forward. They OWN their shit! They do not constantly demand apologies! Even then, when you give them that much, THEY STILL DEMAND MORE! I say No now.
Life doesn't work that way. The funny thing about truth there is no right or wrong, no offence or defence. It is simply TRUTH. Now peoples perspectives of that TRUTH can vary depending on your own thoughts and opinions. But ALL of it can be worked through IF one cares enough to do the work.
So I finally grabbed a counselor off line a few months back that I have been working with and yes Jill, I give you all the prompts here, lady! You have been a shining light in this period. I feel I have done so much work and I have realized more than I ever anticipated because as I told you when we first spoke, I know eveything already! (boy was I wrong). You have taught me a lot about myself. My relationships, and the different aspects of feelings. I know now what I did not know then. I understand that my children may have issues with MY type of personality. And thats ok. But to condemn me for that, that is not ok. I have learned this as well.
Some family you have to let go of. And yes Jill, I know you will disagree with this. I have long feared my childrens differences and myself are to wide to bridge. And it is NOT BECAUSE OF MY LACK OF TRYING! NO! But now it has to be ok with me. Jill tells me NO. But I see it clearly. I see how the grands are used as pawns. I see how I am made to feel like a stranger in my own daughters home. I see the manipulation and tactics. And I can not stand and just watch anylonger. I fully remove myself!
They are ok sitting in rooms with people who molest children and sleep with brother-in-laws. They sit in rooms and gossip with some of the biggest ones out there. They are ok with people who have wild flares of aging phases. They feed into that stuff just like any other TYPICAL person. Instead of trying to help those individuals out, instead of trying to be a better source for them to turn too, they feed into that mythical illusion that so many people today wants to live in. But then they expect ME, to not say a word and be mindful!
I can not do that. I do have morals! I have standards. I have a much better preservation to save the youth and condemn the idiots of this world. I will not abandoned that. God will not allow me to do that. He has NEVER, not once forsaken me and I will not fall short of him now! Maybe if more people would read about theology and religion they will fully understand this marked world and start to be a leader instead of being driven to just "conform". You two want to conform, go for it! DO NOT MAKE ME DO IT! I will not!
This is all their choices. I have no issues with people in general. Who they love. Who they don't love. Their shade of skin or their religion. Their politics tell me more than I want to know, but even that I can deal with them.
What I cannot deal with is being expected to go silently into the good night. If ignoring me is that way...well I guess I will...for them. But as for me, I will always shout and always call out lies, and always own what wrongs I have done. I will not coddle your daddy issues. The mommy issues. Your adults! Suck that shit up like you keep telling me do!
I'm sick of the double standard! I'm over it!
I am sorry you feel the way you each feel sincerely! But I can ONLY fix me! You two need to fix yourselves! And if you feel you can't or don't want too, thats on you too! But do not tell people you are seeking therapy when you HAVE NOT even started the journey!
Stop lying about the things YOU PUT IN YOUR OWN HEADS! OWN YOUR SHIT!
I'm done being your punching bag! You can both go kick cans. I do not care! But I will not be manipulated by you two anylonger!
One thing we each can not change no matter how much we each want...I am THE one and only mother you get! You can have subsitutes, standins, adoptive. But none will bare my scars from having you! No will have my burdens of raising you! None will ever know the sacrifices I had to endure to make sure you both got what I felt was right for each of you! I took you both to the doctors when you were sick (very little because I kept you warm and fed). It was me who took you to the dentist every 6 months. It was me who wiped runny noses and crying eyes! It was me who did baseball and dance runnings! ME! Me when you wanted to start babysitting! Me when you wanted that first job! I pushed you each and I WAS THERE for EVERY LOUSY BIT OF IT ACCORDING TO YOU BOTH! It was me who bought the pictures every year. It was ME who outfitted you! ALL OF IT! You can hone in on one or two people who helped along the way, I know because you both remember ALL THOSE PEOPLE! There were SO MANY! HA!
The only thing ever bought for either of you that I DID NOT PURCHASE, were gifts, and two winter coats one year from someone. THATS IT!
But that is what you tell yourselfs isnt it? And anyone willing to listen. I know its lies! You can claim whatever you want!
People also need to know I DO NOT MAKE SHIT ABOUT MONEY! I could care less about money! I have it, you need it, its yours! Each of you have experienced this through out your life! I have it, I spend it! It's what I do. I am a firm believer in "you can't take it when you go, so spend"!
BUT LOW AND BEHOLD..the minute I need a few bucks to go get my meds or gas...you two literally have a melt down!!! I have text from you both on that end! None of this is about money to me! It is WITH BOTH OF YOU! It always has been! It always will be! It's who you are! Not me!
Mason calls and says shes short 300$ and needs her books, her cap and gown, her whatever. I got reciepts. I send it! I never asked for it back! I did request my $1200 back that I loaned CODY because it was a loan. And he told me standing in the parking lot out side of Guissppees in October 2024, he would have it as soon as he turned in some stock he had at the end of the year. I sent it to him in the parking lot standing there. It went into his moms account for some reason. I don't know why. I have that text from Mason telling me about it. I haven't recieved a penny back. Nor do I expect to because this is why I believe I am being ghosted. And for THAT reason alone. You know what really hurt me in that whole situation? Do you even care?
NOT ONCE did he say Thank you Danielle. Not once! Nor has he ever, nor will he ever. I suppose I owe him something too.
You know, family does that! I can't tell you how much money I owe my dad and my sister! I can't! They always step in and help when I need it. Even my mom in-law. They are family and I try desperately to always be there with whatever they need, when they need it. It is what family does.
Typically no I do not keep running receipts for what I am owed. But I damn sure pay back or ledger what I have knowlingly borrowed! Thats adulting! Shrinking your responsibilty is not something I should have to shoulder.
So while you two sit there and think I am sitting here rotting, rest assured, I am not. I want happiness in life too. I deserve it! As do you! I do not look to take away any of your feelings. You are validated for how you feel. BUT so am I. I cannot fix what I do not know about. I can only fix myself.
I have reached out to both of my children in hopes of patching something, anything. By one I am ignored and the other I am called names. Now he too is ghosting me. And I know I am not alone. And I know I will miss them very much. My heart is heavy thinking about it. But I can't fight a lone war anylonger. I hope you both understand.
I hope you both know this is not to hurt either of you! It is all just my truth laid bare. Like it. Leave it. Don't care anylonger. The only thing I pray is you both NEVER go through what you have put me through and for NO GOOD REASON AT ALL. You haven't even sought any type of counseling. You don't want to fix anything!
Drake accused me of "not being in his life for the past few years". Think about that one Drake. Seriously. You came home from the marines and went to go be with your daddy. What? Was I suppose to come with you? You CHOSE to move to Michigan. Your choice, but MY FAULT, right?
I tried to come visit in March and I was told no. So I didn't come. I got some excuse about the house being repaired. Well ok. Remember that word "family"? You think my family cares if my house is a mess when they come to visit me? You think I would EVER let that stop them from coming to visit? Again, YOUR CHOICE, but my fault right? NEWS FLASH: I never cared about a messy house or Masons pit. I only care about spending time with you each and the kids. YOU BOTH MAKE THE EXCUSE, but I have to suffer the blame. Make that make sense please!
Yall both have got a whole lot of growing to do. Stop pointing fingers. Stop lying. Stop being bullies. START being smart people instead of idiots. If you each own your own SHIT, everything else fades away. All the little stuff. It just goes away.
I am proud of you guys but for that. But you don't need my stamp of approval. Afterall, who am I to either of you.
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