Recent encounter

Hey guys. Had a dinner party recently. 

Had friends and family over and it was good to see so many people. 

Some new friends we have made and their kids. Making our little weekly dinner parties a little more chaotic but definitaly fun!

There were so many missing, and it bothers me. And I sincerely grieve that. 

But we had a certain person attend, I will not name names because it is not my place, and she will know who she is, lol. But I will tell you the story.

She walks in and both Billy and Ronnie are like "Hey" "How are you?" Ronnie shook her hand and Billy tried to hug her. OMG, I was laughing so hard at his effort of being friendly. Because the girl gave him the shoulder hug...you know the one where all you get is the shoulder in your chest and it hurts more than not? Yeah that type of hug. She won't having it. 

Hilarious! Because to know her is to know she does not like to be touched. She will do anything in the world for you...even help hide a body...but do not try to touch her. Not her way. 

Anyways, I was thinking about this very friendly gester and thinking how sad a person had to be treated at some point in their life for them to NOT be mean, just unknowingly unable to connect to other humans in a very natural way. It breaks my heart for her. 

And no one is wrong here. Not the girl and not Billy. Its just how they each are. 

But I think about that natural display of affection now and what I would give for just ONE PERSONs hug. Just one person! To hug her and love her and never have her feel anything but how much I love her and how much I am soo proud of her. How her choices and her life has always been hers. I never sought to interfere with any of that. I only wish to matter and be validated as an equal part of her life. 

A mother should NEVER be expected to have to accept bounderies with a daughter. She is requiring it because she has confused respect with "bounderies".

Bounderies is a thing a person needs to seclude themselves into a bubble of their idologies. I can understand bounderies with neighors and friends, and even SOME family members.

Respect is something people typically WANT to give, when earned, via good moral and ethical standards. Unless you do certain things that disappoint the other person, or vise versa. IF that is the case, it is the respect for the other person as a valued being in your life that allows for a conversation and understanding on both sides to be had.

I do not feel respected. I do not feel loved. I feel confused and mad. 

Running from your immediate family because you feel you can not face certain facts, that is no way to show adulting and responsibility. Those are learned traits from these left marxist that do not care about MY daughter the way I ever will. Yet she feels compelled to lean more into them, than me.

I know its easier with "surface" people because they do not know her. They will  only know what she wants them to know. They will never know her mistakes. They will never know her vices. They will never know her pain in certain situations. They will never really know her depth of love, her willingness to love and give, her true inner ability to bring joy when she comes visiting. Her laughter. NO ONE will NEVER know her the way I do. While many do not need to know the depths of her as a person, I should never be the main one on the outs looking in. 

The spark she added to my life. The challenges she gave me and made me face. The changes she and her ideas or way of thinking influenced me. She and her brother alone have my full heart and always have. They always will.

What I would give is to just hug and hold her!  

I now find myself wanting to just add solid value to a persons life!

I do not want to be unhappy. I do not ever want my loved ones to be unhappy. I want to pour into what can be given back when I need it as well. I do not need to control any one. EVER. But I will not allow a person to steam roll me either. 

Talking, listening, feeling heard, feeling acknowledged in adversity as well as calm. These all go hand in hand when people respect each other.

I know longer wish to be a bystander and I know longer wish to feed into the silliness of these woke individuals. 

I am at a stage in my life where all that matters to me is the ones I love. The ones who chose to walk away and stay away without trying to resolve, to hide behind new comers who seek control, can now officially stay where they are. And I pray they have the peace they deserve. Because if I was someone who never brought any value into their lives to begin with, I would be the first one to eliviate that problem for them. 

I now want to thrive in the face of adversity and allow those who wish to understand or apologize to do so, but with understanding of my place in my life. 

I am just a person. Not granted stay forever. 

I am here but for a short time and I have loved all these children with everything in me. I have given. I may have taken from time to time, but I gave more often than not. 

I want substinance in my relationships now! I want laughter and vacations and time. I want to make amends where they can be made and make peace even if it is not something meant to be continued. 

One year ago, I had a family. Two sons and two daughters. One of them I considered my best friend. They all had/have partners I was/am friends with. I was leery of one partner because of her late night excapades with my husband and his daughter. But when I met her I loved her and thought she would be a great fit for our youngest son. Which she was and they became an item. So I thought we became friends. The other partner I just liked her upon meeting her. She is very personable. She was bubbly and loving towards my daughter and for that I immediately liked her. My eldest son has a girl I admire beyond spectrums. She is intelligent, smart, sassy, whitty and very devoted to those she considers family. My eldest daughters man is not nice towards me for reasons I have deduced is on him. But I have always liked him very much and will always advocate for him. He is a wonderful person at heart. Great father. And has a remarkable family. 

Today, I have my eldest son and his girl faithfully, understandingly beside me! Even with his rantings and stressors a few months back, I hope he knows how much he means to me. How much his family means to me. And how much no matter what he says or does, we CAN talk about it and move forward like typical familys should do. 

I do not ever wish or seek to harm. 

One year ago we all went on a family vacation. A family vacation I was so looking forward to and desperately needed. 

All I wanted was to relax and just have fun with my people! My grands and my fun family members! 

Had done it so many times before and had such WONDERFUL times and memories that we all laughed at later on. 

This time it was not to be. And its ok now. But it is hard when I look back and think of what I had verses what is. For me it is. For me I set off with promise and hope and love all wrapped up into another family holiday.

For the rest of them, it is what ever they deem it to be. And apparently, its very obvious, they never needed me or valued me in any capacity. And I am sorry for that.

But my life today is filled. Hollowed in many areas. But filled. And I can now breathe with the knowledge I have fully taken a year to understand and try to resolve for myself, my ways, and understand anothers view point. 

My people is just that! The ones I pour into, the ones I raised, helped guide, the ones that looked to me when times were rough, or needed me in their darkest hour. I always showed up for them. I never sought to blame. I never sought to attack. I only wanted fun memories. Instead, I lost in major ways that I can never get back. But it doesn't mean I have to stay down. 

It means I had to learn a new way of moving forward. Finding the trust with new people. Reaffirming my love for others within my group. Showing up every day to show I do care. Reaching out. Talking. Making meaningful conversations where needed. And learning that those that will, do! Those that don't, never will. And those that say the will, never will either. 

It is about steps, communication, caring. So many people do not learn these simple basics as children. I can say my kids know because they were taught the difference! But they allow others to influence them. So it ultimately falls back to them themselves. 

Oh, and how I am missing them. We are planning new adventures and booking stays and trips. And I cant even have my grands apart of these adventures. That saddens me the most. 

On a personal side, I am officially dowm 42lbs and still losing. I have quit that nasty nail biting habit in full force. I do not allow myself much room to wallow anymore. But it does pop its head up from time to time. 

I have a new outlook on future goals. And helping Ronnie with his very successful business has been a wonderful thing for me. To watch him resurrect his life in this new way is just profound to me! He literally gets up every day and enjoys himself and what he does WITH his kids by his side. He is pouring into them and making up for so many years gone by. It is such a great thing to watch. 

His kids being around and hanging out with their significant others has been such fun. They are truly great kids that has faced a lot of adversity in their short lives. The way they have handled it, are handling many issues now, is remarkable for such young adults! It is so good being able to watch them navigate and be there for them when they need me. Being appreciated for just who I am. 

Anyways...more later. I do enjoy my writings. But I have a feeling much will be happening soon that you will all see a different side of who I am and who I have become inspite of everything. I am no where near done with this life just yet. 

Every door that closes, somewhere the Lord leaves open a window! It is up to us to find those open windows and crawl out of the mess the former house still holds.